A Field of Choice, Marriageable Non-Members

In an earlier post I introduced  Mariellen Stallard,  a mature and single graduate student with a 22-year old, disabled son. She met John Staley in class and shared the gospel and her testimony. Then John, who turned out to be a Catholic Priest, Benedictine Monk, and post-doctoral fellow in sociology, investigated the Church, attended the Philadelphia Ward, was baptized, married Sister Stallard, and eventually became a Professor of Sociology at Brigham Young University (teaching from 1969 to 1985.) I had just returned to the University of Pennsylvania from my mission in Guatemala in 1967 and met John Staley, heard his ringing testimony of the Restored Gospel, and witnessed his adoration for his wife.  

Hartman and Connie Rector published John Staley’s conversion story in “A Catholic Monk Finds Gospel Brotherhood,” No More Strangers, Vol. 1 p.19).  I showcased Mariellen because she is typical of many quiet, remarkable Mormon women who otherwise might be overlooked.  She found love and marriage later in a very full life.  And like three of our own children, she married a wonderful person who joined the Church after they met.

special, valiant spirits

The Lord prompted Mariellen to reach out to a non-member man and date. We could reasonably include John among the many choice men and women, some of them single, that the Lord has placed among specific non-member families of the world. In the words of Elder Eldred G. Smith, Presiding Patriarch of the Church,

“The teaching in the spirit world has continued since the crucifixion of Christ. This means many are accepting the teachings all the time. Their descendants are found in all the nations of the earth. To assist those who have accepted the gospel in the spirit world . . . the Lord has reserved special, valiant spirits who in the pre-existence were so strong that the Lord knew they would accept the gospel when they heard it . . .with a special mission to be a saving power to their ancestors . . . responsible for all their family research.” (See “Our Responsibility to Our Dead,” Eldred G. Smith, Conference Report, April 1962, pp. 65-67) Emphasis added.

a side note on hartman and connie rector

Hartman and Connie Rector were converts, and he became a General Authority - one of the First Seven Presidents of Seventy. In the 50's and 60's I experienced among some established Mormon families a view that their children needed to marry those who were born into the Church, but never converts.

In 1971 the Hartmans began publishing powerful accounts of baptized adults and their conversion stories in what became 4 volumes of the No More Strangers series. I always felt that these accounts were intended in part to facilitate full acceptance of new converts into the Church. 

Mormon demographics suggest that many more LDS women would face a diminished pool of marriageable men if converts were excluded and they weren't permitted to find mates among non-members. See The Disappearing Mormon Bachelor, NYTIMES.COM

Marriage - So Who's Asking? / Lloyd

In 1967, when Judy and I were M Men-Gleaner leaders and first married, we found ourselves counseling women approaching age 30 that they could be much more active in getting married than waiting for Brother Right to propose.  

For women, we introduced strategic planning, preparation, and tactics, i.e., role playing, to help them better appreciate the dynamics involved.

For men, we emphasized courage and stepping up, but they didn't seem to need much encouragement then. Women, however, outnumbered men. So women getting married, especially to men already in the Church, was more competitive. 

48 years later, with men more inclined to just hang out, getting a proposal of marriage is even more challenging for women.

ruth, naomi & boaz

Ironically, the name Gleaner brings to mind Ruth.  She was an alien in Israel, and her mother-in-law Naomi gave her important guidance in helping Boaz admit to himself a certain affection towards Ruth, which he had misinterpreted as charity and helpfulness on his part.

Also, Boaz had an age-difference thing that Naomi neatly circumvented and cleared the way to forging an important link in the genealogy of Jesus Christ.

proposals - rules of thumb

Two rules of thumb I've noticed over the years:

First - Most men I know who are persistent in proposing after the woman declines several times end up wishing they hadn’t won. When she says “no,” believe her.

Second - Mostly, men are willing to propose when the woman has one way or another let him know first she will accept the proposal. The story of Ruth & Boaz fits here.

a modern marriage proposal

That said, I especially enjoy the following account of a modern marriage proposal:

I proposed to my husband and this summer we'll be celebrating our 10th anniversary!

We'd dated for a couple years, we were committed, happy and I didn't plan to ask. We were in the produce department and I don't remember what he said, but he made me laugh really hard and I just felt so happy and content and realized that all I needed was him. Spontaneously, I said, "So, you think you might want to get married?" He broke out in a huge grin and said, "Yeah, I think that might be a good idea." Seriously. That's our story. No ring. No getting down on one knee. And I still feel giddy remembering it. I think every relationship is different. Luckily, we don't subscribe to old conventions when it comes to ours.

We can't always trust our emotions--especially in a powerful, cinematic moment like a proposal. But I think that underneath the emotion, there's always something (cliche as it sounds) in your gut that tells you if it's the right thing to do. In our culture we accept that you should follow your heart and obey your instinct. I think that's all right, so long as you're NOT ignoring your deep down voice. Mine was telling me "yes" that day in the produce department, and thankfully, so was his. I knew it was the right thing. It still is. [Comment from Amy to blog post  Team Practical: Women Proposing to Men]

so who’s asking?

In truth, when carefully considered, “Who’s asking” is more often softly blurred, and that’s ok.

Judy - Finding a Name & Then There’s Twins #5

Click (here) to see Baby Names Comedy Sketch - Nick

One stressful aspect of expecting a baby is choosing a name for said baby. Think of the responsibility--you are deciding what this child will be called among friends, family, and classmates forever. You decide whether or not he will be teased, looked up to, admired, or scorned. (No pressure.) If you have other children, you might have run out of all the names you both like. And what if he doesn’t like his own name? One of my 6-year-old nephews told his parents, “Why’d you have to name me Vance? Why couldn’t you name me Blood Ax?”

There are always family names to choose from, but of course you have to be careful with old fashioned names like Gertrude or Hepsibah. Also, you can find thousands of names in books, and we used them at least once when we’d run out of ideas. To me, the most interesting name books were those with ethnic names like Irish or Italian or Japanese.

Then there’s the middle name. None of my girls have one because ever since I got married, my own middle name has been like a third arm, and I didn’t want to saddle them with it. Don’t know how they feel about that, but my sister didn’t have one either and always grieved over it. So she made up her own, calling herself Marilyn Rose. On the other hand, this is where you could really get creative. Maybe you don’t want to make the child stand out too much with her first name, but you can let ‘er rip with the second one. Like the child called Janet Pocahontas Johnson.

The best source I know for choosing a baby’s name is the Social Security Website. It lists all the names sent in for social security cards and shows the most popular names for any given year from 1880 to today. If you want to choose the most popular name in America for your baby, it’s there. If, however, you want to avoid your child having the same name as five other kids in her class, you can look down the list of the 1,000 names of each year for one you like.

For example, in 2013, the latest year for which they have data, the top five boys names were: William, Mason, Jacob, Liam, and Noah. For girls they were: Ana, Isabella, Olivia, Emma and Sophie. (I’m not even going to mention celebrity kids’ weird names.)

One of my favorite stories as a little girl was about the Apple family. Because of their last name, the father thought all the children should be named after apples. Their first son was Jonathan, then came a girl named Gala, another boy, McIntosh, a girl, Honeycrisp, and a boy--Fuji. Then came the twins, a boy, Red Delicious (called Red), and a girl, Golden Delicious (called Golden). With their 8th and last child, a little girl, Mr. Apple wanted to call her Granny Smith. "Please," said Mrs. Apple, "Could I name this one since it is our last?" Mr. Apple agreed and so the baby was named Mary.

There there’s Utah names.

When my daughter, Kristen and her husband, Nathan, already had two little boys, they found themselves expecting twin boys. Nathan said, “Now whenever we go anywhere, half the family is sitting in your seat.” They were at a complete loss for two more boy names.

Nathan’s co-workers, however, had a solution. He is a mathematician, and his colleagues suggested naming the twins, who would be their third and fourth children, after the third and fourth moments in statistics. The first moment is “mean,” the second is “random,” the third is “skew,” and the fourth is “kurtosis.” But Kristen inexplicably vetoed this practical suggestion.

Up until their birth, the boys were known among the medical staff as Baby A and Baby B. Then, since the doctors had given them at least the first letters of their names, they were eventually called Alec and Braden.

sidenote about twins

Evidently there is a baby boomlet in twins and other multiple births these days, due in large part to use of the fertility drug Clomid as well as older women having children. Many  hospitals report more and more twins being born, and school systems are enrolling more twins than ever before in school. Since the 80’s the percentage of twins jumped 52%, according the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (NOMOTC), and Clomid is responsible for two-thirds of this hike.

One of the things that worried Kristen, besides having four boys under six, was whether she’d be able to breastfeed two babies. Her five-year-old reassured her, “You won’t have any trouble, Mom. You have two of those feeder things.” And she did manage just fine.

If you find yourself expecting multiples, all I can say is, get all the help you can get! Lean on everyone--far-flung family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, church members, the UPS delivery man--everyone who will lend a hand. And if you can, line them up before the birth so you have as large a support group as possible in place. I know of at least one web site that is helpful: National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs. It is full of constructive advice, much of it from other parents who have been there, which is the best kind.

Soon after I returned home from helping Kristen, I got a call from Emily, another pregnant daughter, who wailed down the line, “I’m so sorry, Mom. But the doctor says it’s twins!” She had a boy and a girl. Then, a few years later, my son’s wife, Megan, a twin herself, had another set of twin boys. We had ourselves our own little baby boomlet.

Next: The Delivery

Conception Fires the Expanding Universe / Lloyd

Contemplate the immensity of the Andromeda Galaxy exhibited by the Hubble Space Telescope pictures released 5 Jan 2015. And realize that conception came first, then homes were needed for God’s spiritual progeny.

Relative to our Earth, under direction of our Heavenly Father (Elohim) premortal Jehovah, Michael and presumably others planned, modeled, and created a suitable habitation for a mortal experience.

After its mortal purpose is completed, Earth is endowed with its celestial character and moved back to the center of celestial space near where God dwells, inhabited by those individuals who qualify for life in a celestial kingdom. Other habitations of lesser glory are established for individuals who qualify for terrestrial and telestial kingdoms.

Those men and women in the celestial kingdom who qualify for eternal family life then generate through conception their own families and the process continues. Thus conception firers the expanding Universe.

How tragic and short sighted that so many men and women in their mortal state so lightly treat the sacredness of the creative powers that reside within them. They completely disregard Elohim’s guidelines for Chastity that would have permitted them in the future, as intended, to conceive spiritual beings, children of their own, to people elements of a universe constantly expanding to provide eternal habitations.  

Without a major turnaround during mortality, they can never ever be principal players in this extraordinary eternal process.

Safety for Our Children in this Society / Lloyd

safety in a society unraveling

I began working with marginal groups in the early 70’s as a New York City methadone maintenance counselor -- and later during the 90’s in Maryland as an out-patient mental health worker and as a volunteer in state prison facilitating non-violence groups.

Currently I work in California as a licensed Senior Psychiatric Technician in a maximum security, state psychiatric hospital, and for a 5-year period I volunteered in state prison facilitating a pre-release group for inmates incarcerated for sexual offenses.

I’ve witnessed that those who violate fundamental moral and ethical principles defined within the Ten Commandments disproportionately find themselves working through episodes of intense unrest, contention, and anger.  Also, defeat, hopelessness, and despair. This observation is dramatic among the marginal groups but also holds within the general population.

A society unraveling morally demonstrates many unhealthy, emotional behaviors. We have all witnessed over-the-top rage and intense ridicule, sometimes with vengeful retaliation, whenever religious leaders publicly encourage adherence to the Ten Commandments and scriptural values. We ask ourselves, where is there safety in such a society, and how do we prepare our children and grandchildren?

principles of safety for our children & grandchildren

I believe we need to teach our children to fear God more than man and what society can do to us. They must experience early in life that their truest validation comes from God himself and that personal revelation from God is very real and open to them.

I believe it is essential that as parents we not only model in plain sight what we teach as our children walk with us, but also that we include them when we have course corrections to make in our own lives. Children need to behold the tenderness of a merciful God in action especially during the repentance process.

I believe that parents and others who honor their faith provide a natural, positive contrast in society when they live fundamental moral and ethical principles.

One of the most tragic lessons I learned as a drug addiction counselor in New York City was the destruction of hope and personal value among the children of hypocritical adults who publicly espoused one set of values and secretly lived -- but never secret enough to hide from their children -- the opposite lifestyle.

And most important perhaps for the blessing of those around us, I believe we need to teach our children to acknowledge virtue in others whatever their belief system and to thoughtfully validate that goodness. I am especially encouraged that our grandchildren are wonderfully inclusive at school.

not an academic exercise

This year Judy & I will have in our immediate family 20 adults and 40 grandchildren. The principles above have come hard learned and daily refined.

Beginning with a Few Particular Alterations to our Laws / Lloyd

In the 1980 Annual General Conference one speaker spoke of a future day:

“Nor are the days of our greatest sorrows and our deepest sufferings all behind us. They too lie ahead. We shall yet face greater perils, we shall yet be tested with more severe trials, and we shall yet weep more tears of sorrow than we have ever known before. . .

“The way ahead is dark and dreary and dreadful. There will yet be martyrs; the doors in Carthage shall again enclose the innocent. We have not been promised that the trials and evils of the world will entirely pass us by.

“If we, as a people, keep the commandments of God; if we take the side of the Church on all issues, both religious and political; if we take the Holy Spirit for our guide; if we give heed to the words of the apostles and prophets who minister among us—then, from an eternal standpoint, all things will work together for our good.

“Our view of the future shall be undimmed, and, whether in life or in death, we shall see our blessed Lord return to reign on earth . . .”

These many years since hearing this discourse I’ve wondered what issues or circumstances would create such a situation for Our People.

Prior to that conference address, when wandering through the Dachau Concentration Camp near Munich and even driving through the German countryside where I was stationed, I wondered whether we in the United States were capable of the evil of that Camp.

Recently, with the beheadings of Coptic Christians, I figured that as a world-wide church such dreadful scenarios might very well occur to our members but in far away places.

Nevertheless, the earnestness of Senior Church Leaders during the recent Jan 27th News Conference on Religious Freedom and Nondiscrimination suggests the issues they presented merit more careful consideration than a passing glance.

Furthermore, current actions against religion and religious values in our own country, beginning with a few particular alterations to our foundational law, are being directed against men and women of all Faiths and against religious affiliated organizations especially.

Judy - The Layette: What You'll Need, And What You Won't #4

If you read the women's and baby magazines and many blogs, you get entirely the wrong idea of what is necessary. Forget all that specialized equipment like changing tables, baby bathtubs, wipes warmers, cradles, etc. In my opinion, all you really need are a car seat, crib, chest of drawers, high chair (which you won't need for a few months), stroller, diaper bag and some kind of carrier like a MOBY (see below).

Babies create enough clutter with just their clothes, toys and diapers. Most of that other stuff is used for such a short period of time that unless you are planning to have lots of children, or maybe share it with friends and relatives, it's not worth the money and storage space. Of course if people give it to you, take it and enjoy it.

There is, however, one item that I used to think was a luxury that became a necessity--a baby swing. Sometimes, especially around dinner time, it was the only thing that soothed a fussy baby. Related to the swing is the bounce chair for the very young ones. Both of these things can make a difference during a busy time of day.

BEDS

You'll need a crib, of course, but I suggest you don't need it immediately. Newborns are used to being in a small, confined space and they often seem more comfortable wrapped up tight and placed in something smaller than a big crib. I understand that I, myself, slept in a dresser drawer for the first month. Today the car seat, for example, can provide an easy and portable bed at first. You place it beside your own bed and during the night you scoop up the baby to nurse almost without getting up, and neither one of you coming fully awake. This is nice while it lasts.

CHANGING STATIONS

As for a place to change the baby, you can do it right in the crib while the mattress is still high. If you put a quilt on a waist-high bureau and keep all the changing paraphernalia in one of the top drawers, you can keep one hand on the baby and still reach whatever you need. I found it was helpful to have two changing places--one in the bedroom and one in the living area, especially if they are on different floors. If your washer and dryer are nearby, they make a good spot if you put a quilt on top and keep a duplicate set of diapers,wipes, etc. in a plastic dishpan close at hand. Also, today there are all sorts of cool portable pads you can use wherever you are.

You'll probably find that being a mother brings out your most creative side. For instance, to change a very wriggly baby, even with all the changing tables I had, sometimes it was easier to lay her down on the floor and throw my leg over her stomach to hold her in place.

BATHING

I always used the kitchen sink until the baby was secure enough on his bottom to be in the big tub, then he took baths with all the other kids anyway. But for the small ones, the sink is attached to a counter which is waist-high and convenient. I realize that the idea of bathing the baby in the sink makes some people gag, so if it bothers you, use a large plastic dishpan. They function the same and are much cheaper than special bath tubs.

CONFINEMENT

There are times, especially during the crawling months, when you have to confine the curious little accident-waiting-to-happen. I’d suggest using gates and furniture rather than a porta crib or equivalent. Again, during dinner prep, a high chair is helpful for older babies.

We knew one mother of six who put a gate on a bedroom doorway and used the whole carpeted bedroom as a playpen. She made sure it was babyproof and she and the baby could see each other easily. When her children were a little older, toddlers and pre-schoolers, she put the gate across the family room and enclosed herself inside. She could watch what they were doing and they could see her close by. She was right there in case of a problem, but they weren’t crawling all over her while she tried to do something. Of course there are some kids who will always scream and try to crawl out of whatever place they’re put. In these cases, you’re on your own; here’s where your creativity will come in handy.

CARRIERS

Some kind of pack to carry the baby is invaluable, and not only when you’re away from home. At home I could carry the baby around the house while I worked; my hands were free and usually the baby was soothed from being held constantly. Along this line, have you noticed the “three foot rule?” Why do they always want to be held while you’re standing up and not while you’re sitting down? It’s one of life’s mysteries, but it is so.

There are several kinds of carriers, but I especially like the MOBY. They look a little complicated, but there are all sorts of videos on YouTube telling you how to wrap them. They are also kind of pricey so maybe you should ask for one as a gift.

I do want to warn you to start this pack-carrying immediately after birth, or at least the day you come home from the hospital. With our sixth child, MaryRuth, I made the mistake of waiting two or three weeks and she never liked it. You need to get used to it too and also you need to build up your muscles. You might have a child like one of ours that will remain nameless but whom we affectionately called,  “El Lunko,” and your back needs to be able to stand the strain.

Here’s an unrelated story about the baby carrier. With my first baby I walked everywhere in Brooklyn since we didn’t have a car. I had a useful but complicated harness thing that I carried her in. Once I was on my way to the bus stop when a car pulled up and the man said, “That’s really clever. I’ve never seen anything like that. How does it work?” I didn’t think anything about this because in those days very few people had one and I was always being asked about it. So I showed him how it all went together. Then he said, “How about if you get in the car and I’ll take you wherever you want to go?” I did think that was a little strange, but I politely said no, I was just heading to the bus stop. Then he said, “How old is your old man? Does he keep you satisfied?” I thought My “old man?” Does he mean my father? What’s he talking about? I started to walk on but he drove slowly alongside me, still insisting I get in the car and come with him. Fortunately as soon as I got to the bus stop, a bus came and I got on immediately. 

Later when I told Lloyd about this strange encounter, to my surprise he freaked out. “Why did you keep talking to him?” he demanded. “Couldn’t you tell he was some sort of pervert?” I hadn’t thought of that since I was from a small town in California and we didn't have any of those. "Besides," I said, "I didn’t want to be rude."

Next: Choosing a Name

Worlds Without Number for Mine Own Purpose / Lloyd

Pearl of Great Price: Moses 1:30, 33, 35, 38-39

And it came to pass that Moses called upon God, saying: Tell me, I pray thee, why these things are so, and by what thou madest them?  

. . . And worlds without number have I created; and I also created them for mine own purpose  

. . . But only an account of this earth, and the inhabitants thereof, give I unto you. For behold, there are many worlds that have passed away by the word of my power. And there are many that now stand, and innumerable are they unto man; but all things are numbered unto me, for they are mine and I know them . . .

And as one earth shall pass away, and the heavens thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my words.

For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.   

Comment

God reveals to Moses that his purpose is to bring to pass man’s immortality (body and spirit -- a unified living soul, never again to be separated in death) and eternal life (eternal family life, or continuing progeny without end).

If family life is the work and glory of God and the purpose of his endless creations, then our behavior and desires contrary to this end will necessarily require a Savior and an Atonement and an acknowledgement through personal confession that we have been at odds with our Father-in-Heaven’s purposes -- but no longer.

No matter what kingdom we merit as a result of mortality, resurrected beings may not exist in rebellion to Heavenly Father.

Judy - Pregnancy and Physicians #3

Doctors in my day

You’ll have a lot of questions as you go through your pregnancy, and the best source of answers is your doctor. Ask questions about anything. Between visits, every time you think of a question, write it down and take the list to your next appointment.

Having said that, here’s a warning about doctors. Don’t let them bully you! I’ve heard many older women say, “If a doctor talked to me like that today, I wouldn’t stand for it.” But when we’re young and a little scared of this new experience, and not used to being involved in medical stuff, we might feel so vulnerable and dependent that we don’t question them. The fact is, however, you have not lost your intelligence just because you’re pregnant. It’s your body and your baby, so don’t let them badger you.

When I was first pregnant, the male doctor always called me “little girl.” I didn’t like it and had the feeling he said it because he didn’t know my name, but I never said anything. In contrast, when I was forty years old and expecting my ninth baby, I walked into the examination room, and the doctor, whom I had never met before and looked like a teenager, greeted me with, “Hey, Judy. How are you today?” I answered, “Just fine, Bob. How are you?” I would not be intimidated by the use of my first name.

At some appointments you’ll be made to wait for hours. The basic assumption seems to be that the doctor’s time is more valuable than yours. One woman, a professional decorator, waited two hours to see her doctor. She said there was no emergency; it was simply a case of overbooking and the doctor coming in late. The woman didn’t say anything at the time, but later sent a bill for her usual fee for two hours of her time. Hah!

I tried to make it a rule not to wait longer than 45 minutes. After that, I rescheduled and walked out. If you often have to wait a long time, call the receptionist the day of your appointment and ask when you can realistically expect to be seen. Then go at that time. You should expect to be treated with respect; don’t settle for less from the physician or the office staff. This works in private or group practice but may be different in an HMO or community health, where all bets are off.

Doctors today

You might have to be assertive with the receptionist too. I was in several practices where I liked the doctor but the office staff was grumpy, officious and demeaning. Stand up for yourself and say something like, “Are you in a big hurry or are you trying to be rude?” If there is no improvement, tell the doctor, in writing if necessary. If you still don’t get satisfaction, change doctors if possible. There are many options and many personalities out there and they can make a big difference in your whole experience. Ask other mothers for their recommendations.

While we’re on the subject of pregnancy, I should mention something about the sad fact of miscarriages. I had two of them before my first child, then two more between my last two children. The first one was a terrible shock. Although I knew what a miscarriage was, I didn’t know anyone who’d had one. Afterwards, many people I knew came up to me and quietly told me about theirs. A miscarriage is not usually physically debilitating, but emotionally I was knocked off my feet, even after I had other children.

Part of the emotional difficulty, of course, is hormonal, and this seems to be the part the medical profession stresses the most. Doctors, who call it “a spontaneous abortion,” often shrug and say, “Well, it was for the best, and as soon as your hormones settle down, you’ll feel better.” I felt like they did not understand the wrenching loss it was--with or without hormones. We need to go through a painful but necessary grieving process, even if it occurs early in the pregnancy. No matter when a misscarriage happens, most often during the first trimester, that baby was very real to us, and we have to accept the loss of this child as we would a living child. In my case, I simply cried non-stop for two weeks and then afterwards felt sad everytime I thought of it.

I’ve since learned that as many as 20% to 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Each time the doctor told me that usually they are necessary because there is something wrong with the fetus. If this was supposed to be comforting, it failed. First of all, I never thought of my baby as a “fetus.” All I knew was that my beautiful baby was gone before I ever had a chance to see her. And I was devastated.

In addition, I was surprised to learn how hard it was for my husband as well. He also had to go through a period of sorrow and feelings of terrible loss. Eventually we learned how to comfort each other. Slowly, after bouts of depression and fits of crying, I began to come back to the world and look around me again. At first, I only wanted to see close friends, or my family, but eventually, I was able to face others as well. In time, I was even able to see pregnant women and babies without bursting into tears. The whole process is similar to any other form of grieving with the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance.

It may take a while, and you may need help -- family, friends and perhaps even professional, but this acceptance will eventually come to you too.

Next: The Layette, or Necessary Baby Stuff