Judy - Some Final Thoughts about Discipline #33

NEVER scold or chastise a child in front of others, especially their friends. This shames and humiliates them and will make them more resentful than you can imagine. Try to make corrections in private so you can both focus only on the behavior, not other issues.

NEVER use withdrawal of love or destructive criticism. This can be an effective punishment and will probably eliminate the behavior, but it will leave lasting scars on a child. Nothing is worth the damage this can cause. In fact, today it is probably called “emotional abuse.”

ALWAYS show an increase of love after any punishment. Remember the TRC Bank because any kind of correction is going to make a big withdrawal from this bank, and you need to replace it with a large deposit as soon as possible. Let them know you still love them unconditionally, but this particular behavior is unacceptable in your family. Never let a child feel she’s not loved because of something she’s done or failed to do.

ALWAYS avoid the “Cycle of Revenge.”

Suppose your young teen does something that’s not too serious, like making faces at his sister. Then, maybe you’re tired, so you over-react and ground him for a week. Of course he’s incensed at the injustice and he wants to “get back at you” so he ruins something of yours. You discover it and yell and scream at him. He yells back and leaves the house. In frustration, you might say something regrettable like, “Fine. Don’t come back!”

This might not be a good illustration, but you can see how something can escalate. I’ve known of cases where this very thing happened and it’s terribly sad. This cycle happens between countries too and it’s never good.

REMEMBER that sometimes the best response is no response.

For example, whining drove me up the wall so my no-response-response was to say, “I can’t understand whining; I can only understand regular voices,” and then hum as I continued doing what I was doing. One daughter says she can distinctly remember trying to make her voice sound “regular” so I would pay attention to her request.

Another situation where silence was the best reply occured when one of my girls was in the moody pre-teen years. We began to clash every time she opened her mouth. I thought she was too sassy and she thought I was too critical. Fortunately she could talk to her dad, even after she stopped talking to me. He was able to describe to me how I looked through her 12-year-old eyes and, frankly, I didn’t like that picture of me. I decided that since I was the grown-up, I would have to do something about it.

Obviously my criticism wasn’t helping so I needed to try another tack. No matter what outrageous thing she uttered, I would not react. I even put a sign on my fridge that said, “Do not engage” and I became as a duck’s back. I didn’t flinch or yell about anything she said, especially those things that were meant to goad me. I often had to bite my tongue or pretend to read, but I managed it. And an interesting thing happened. Over a period of two or three months the more I didn’t respond, the less she tried to get a reaction out of me. By the time she was thirteen, a notoriously difficult age, we were able to talk again and felt close enough to weather the storms of adolescence together.

Judy - To Civilize The Children #32

If your child is doing something that makes you crazy, remember that the maturation process takes care of a multitude of problems. Whatever behavior she is exhibiting at the moment will change as she gets older. Of course, then she will do other things you won’t like either, but the current headache will go away. Also, sometimes it’s comforting to watch your children among their peers. Then you realize that many of the actions that are most exasperating merely go with their age, and as their age changes, so will their actions.

In any situation, remember that you are the grown-up and should have the maturity to decide how to respond, rather than just react or worse, dither. One of my daughters worked in a bookstore and she often watched people plead with their child, “come on now, it’s time to go home. Please.” And when the child ignored them, the parents didn’t seem to know what to do. She wanted to shout at them, “You’re bigger than they are! Pick them up and take them home!”

Here are a few techniques to help turn our children into civilized human beings:

1) Physical. I hesitate to use this term because it’s so out of favor for disciplining children. Here is what I think about it. Before they talk very well, a swat or two on the bottom is sometimes the only way to get a point across. It doesn’t really hurt through all the diaper padding and it gets their attention. Sometimes I also slapped their hands if they were continually touching something breakable and expensive or dangerous. (I know you can put as much as possible out of reach, but not everything.) On the other hand, I don’t think you should ever slap a child’s face no matter what their age because, although it may be slightly painful, the worst thing about it is that it’s humiliating. And finally, if you do use swats, don’t continue after the age of three or four. Not only is it less effective but, again, it’s humiliating. And you might as well get a lot of practice with other methods before the teen years when they’ll probably be bigger than you.

Sometimes just the spectre of spanking will be enough of a deterrent. One of my daughters was having trouble with her two little boys, two and four years old. They would not stay in their room after going to bed at night. She was reading the book, The Strong-willed Child by Dr. James Dobson and at dinner one night she was telling her husband about it. She said Dr.Dobson recommended keeping a switch beside the bedroom door, and when a child kept coming out of his room after being put to bed, use it. When she said this, she looked up and saw two pairs of shocked eyes and two wide-open mouths as the boys listened to her.

The older one said, “No, Mama, burn that book! Flush it down the toilet!”

She asked, “Don’t you think we should keep a switch by your bedroom door?”

“NO, NO, NO, NO!”

“Well, what should we do when you keep coming out of your room after bedtime?”

“We won’t ever again! We promise!”

She says there wasn’t a problem after that.

If you do use physical punishment, remember the purpose is not to relieve your feelings, which is unfortunately sometimes the reason we use it. The purpose is to make a change in behavior and here a few more, perhaps better, ways to do that.

2)Time-out. This means having the child be separate and alone for a period of time. There should be one warning before a timeout--except in the case of serious aggression, then there should be no warnings at all. Some pediatricians recommend one minute of time for each year of age since time is endless to a child. Time-outs can be effective, but be careful not to use it for all the child’s misbehaviors. Pick a couple actions you feel strongly about and then use time-out consistently. Again, it can decrease in effectiveness with overuse.

My daughter, the mother of the same two boys, said she didn’t like time-outs because her youngest son wouldn’t stay in place. It turned into a five-minute wrestling match that she always lost, and she was worn out at the end of it. I told her about an article I read that said if a child won’t cooperate and sit apart willingly, the parent should hold the child in the chair physically by hands on his shoulders to enforce the rule. If that didn’t work, put the child behind a door, then hold the door closed by the door knob; don’t lock the door. This way the child can tell the parent is there and doesn’t feel quite so abandoned. The article then said, after only a couple of weeks of practice, the child can be given the choice of sitting in the chair or going behind the door. And they usually choose the chair out of self-respect once they have the control to do it.

Another thing to consider about time-outs is that they won’t work at all unless there is something positive about “time-ins” with the parent. In other words, we need to have a good relationship to begin with or time-out is not a punishment at all.

3)Loss of toys or privileges. I once saw a Dr. Phil show where he calls this “using the child’s currency.” He was talking to a couple that had no idea how to keep their two boys from seriously fighting with each other. Evidently these fights had escalated to the point of physical damage. Then he talked with the boys for a while and found out their favorite things in the world were their action figures. He said to them, “If I said I would take away your action figures if there was any more fighting, do you think you could stop?” Both boys looked at him in horror and said, “Would you really do that?” He nodded and said, “Absolutely.” They looked at each other and back at him and said, “Yeah. We’d never fight again!”

I don’t know how true that was, but it was the right idea. Figure out what is your child’s “currency” then use it somehow to encourage good behavior.

4)Grounding. This seems to be the punishment of choice for parents of older kids and teens, but personally I never liked it. I didn’t use it because it seemed like more a punishment for me than for them. However, I know many people swear by it, so maybe it has some merit, especially for certain things, like chores or homework. Again, kids should have one warning, or at least a discussion about consequences for certain undesirable behaviors before grounding is instituted.

Final thoughts.

The best way to teach your child about civilized behavior is by example. Probably 99% of our behavior is absorbed by osmosis from the environment we live in. If you don’t want them to fight, don’t fight with your spouse. If you don’t like their swearing, don’t swear. If you don’t like them making messes, try to keep you own stuff as neat as possible. If you want school to be important to them, show them that learning is important to you by reading, taking classes, trying new things. And if you want them to treat you with respect, treat them and everybody else with that same respect.

Judy - More Sleep Aids #31

Here are a few more ideas to help kids get to sleep:

MUSIC

In his book, The Mozart Effect, Don Campbell explains how different kinds of music can actually lower blood pressure, deepen or slow breathing patterns, calm stress, and change brain waves from beta, wide awake, to an alpha or relaxed pattern. He suggests slower music such as Baroque (Bach, Vivaldi), Classical (Mozart), or even New Age (Enya). He reports that in some hospitals patients are prescribed music along with medications and sometimes they have been able to reduce their sedatives or anesthetic drugs considerably. One doctor stated that half an hour of Mozart produced the same effect as Valium.

I think Vivaldi would be better for kids than Valium (as tempting as that might be sometimes) and, according to Don Campbell, this kind of music has the additional effect of making them more creative and even more intelligent, especially in math and language. Wow! So put on some of the slower Mozart pieces and let him lull your child to sleep.

The problem in a large family is that what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. Some of our children liked and used our Mozart tapes and others just wanted quiet. If they were roommates they had to work out a compromise, but that's another blog.

AROMATHERAPY

This means the use of essential oils from plants and flowers for certain therapeutic effects. Some oils, such as peppermint or the citrus oils of orange or grapefruit, will energize you and wake you up. I read about an experiment in Japan where peppermint oil was diffused throughout an office setting and productivity went up an appreciable amount while absenteeism went down.

On the other hand, oils such as lavender have a slight sedative effect. Sometimes I put a drop on the cold light bulb in the lamp next to my bed, then turn on the lamp and start to read. The warmth of the lighted bulb soon wafts the scent of lavender through the room and before I know it, I’m so sleepy I can’t keep my eyes open and have to close the book.

You can buy these oils online or at health food stores and other places where alternative medicines are sold. It’s important to get the actual essential oils, which will cost more, and not just something that smells like it or you won’t get the same result. To use these oils, you can do like I do with the light bulb, or put a few drops (it doesn’t take much) into an electric diffuser.

MASSAGE

Here is a link to a slide show and video that demonstrate a baby massage: http://www.babycenter.com/slideshow-baby-massage  I recommend using a lavender-scented baby lotion while doing this. You can adapt the technique to older children as well. As I’ve mentioned before, touch is a comforting way to show love and touch  combined with the relaxing effect of massage could be helpful.

I also make a special “Sleepy Time Salve” that helps me a lot and would be beneficial for anyone who has a hard time getting to or staying asleep. Here is the recipe (all these items can be obtained through Amazon, other online sources or health food stores):

In a glass measuring cup put 1/2 cup of coconut oil, 1/2 cup of olive oil, and 2 Tbsp. of beeswax pastilles. Place in hot water in a saucepan and melt over medium to low heat until everything is melted, about 15-20 min. Remove from saucepan and add the following essential oils: 25 drops of lavender, 25 drops of orange, 25 drops of cedarwood, 25 drops of peppermint, and 10 drops of cinnamon. Pour into container and keep stirring till cool. This will take a while but don’t stop until the mixture begins to look a little opaque and thickens.

At night, about half an hour before bedtime, take a small amount, no more than half a teaspoon or less, rub it all over the feet, then put on socks. The oil will absorb into the skin very quickly, especially in the feet, then you can either take off the socks (which I do) or leave them on all night.

We all need a good night’s sleep, both parents and children, and I hope you find these suggestions helpful to you and your family. Whether you use one or a combination of these techniques, make it a part of the bedtime routine. It will give you personal time with your children, each one individually, and also clue them in that it’s time to relax. As kids get older, they may continue it by themselves because it has become the signal to go to sleep.

Judy - Solving Bedtime Problems #30

I once read in PA Today, the magazine for physician assistants, that sleep patterns are the number one concern for parents of young children, ages two to six. This tends to be especially true for working parents. They want to spend as much time with their kids as possible, so they abandon a regular bedtime schedule. But it can be a problem with anybody.

As I’ve mentioned several times before, kids need structure, and it’s certainly true in this area. Young children need a set bedtime to feel secure, even if that bedtime is later than you think it should be, and it should be as to the same every night, even on weekends.

Most parents have some sort of ritual with stories and songs that signals to the child it’s time to settle down and go to sleep. After the ritual is over, however, you have to be absolutely consistent about leaving the room and expecting them to go to sleep. Unfortunately, this means you may have to take them by the hand and lead them back to bed about a hundred times at first while you establish the schedule. One pediatrician suggested you don’t talk to them at all as you’re taking them back to bed. Hopefully, if you are calm and consistent but don’t talk to them, no matter how many times you have to repeat the routine, eventually they will learn you are serious, that you won’t be drawn into a power play to prolong the inevitable.

Along with a regular bedtime, there are four gentle techniques I used that helped a restless child relax enough to sleep. I’ll talk about the first one on this blog and the other three in the next one:

Guided imagery

There was a wonderful little book called Starbright: Meditations for Children by Maureen Graf that may be out of print now. This book described ways to help your child think about pleasant topics until they drop off to sleep. You begin by saying, “I’m going to tell you a story. Close your eyes so you can see the pictures in your mind.” Then in a quiet, soothing voice you tell them to notice their breathing a while until they seem more relaxed. “Now we’re going to go into a beautiful garden. But right outside the walls of the garden is a big tree. This is the Worry Tree. If there’s anything that’s worrying you or making you feel bad, hang it on the tree so you don’t take it into the garden with you.” Then describe what your child would consider a lovely spot. Maybe she can help you be describing what she sees in the garden.

The Scenarios

All this calms her down and makes her more relaxed. When you judge the time is right, you can tell her one of several “stories” that she can continue to think about after you have left the room. These scenarios include her becoming very, very small so she is down among the blades of grass and meets a family of ants. The mother ant has an apron and the father wears a hat and the kids wear either ribbons or baseball caps. They greet her enthusiastically and take her to their home. The ant children show her their special toys, and you can use your imagination about what they all do together. After a few minutes of this, say, “I’m going to leave for a while. You keep thinking about the ants and what fun things they do, and I’ll be back in 10 minutes.” Be sure you do return in 10 minutes--set an alarm or something. Usually, she will be sound asleep in that time, but if she isn’t, keep talking about what it is like down among the blades of grass, then again say you will leave for a while but will be back in 10 minutes. It’s amazing how often this works.

Another scenario is to have her imagine shrinking again and a beautiful bird comes down, takes her up on his back, and flies with her up to the clouds. Describe what it’s like high above the earth, and how everything looks different. Again talk about what kinds of games little birds play that can fly through the sky. Or have the bird take her through a rainbow where everything is colorful and sparkly.

If she isn’t comfortable being small, have her imagine getting bigger and bigger until she towers over all the houses and makes friends of the tallest trees and wears the clouds in her hair.

With Active Boys

I used to do this guided meditation with my very active young son, and it was especially helpful after he started school and had all sorts of stress at night. It was important we always stopped at the worry tree and left his worries there before we entered the garden. His favorite scenario was entering a huge old tree that had many rooms. Each room had something special--one had all kinds of good food, another had all the videos he could imagine, another had a pile of legos, another had toys he didn’t have but wanted, like detective toys, another had live action figures like superheroes or cowboys or knights that all wanted him to come join in their adventures. He spent many nights imagining himself in the different rooms of that tree, and it always calmed him down so he went to sleep faster and easier.

You can begin using this technique as soon as they understand what you say, by two or three years old. The important things to remember are to always use a soothing voice, have them pay attention to their breathing for a while, leave their worries at the worry tree, describe the garden, then get them going on their own fantasy. This gives them something enjoyable to think about and seems to make it easier to fall asleep. I think it lessened the number of nightmares they experienced as well. Tell them you’re leaving and to continue to think about their “story” until you come back in 10 minutes. It reassures them that you will be back, and almost always they will be asleep when you do. Just be sure you actually return every time you say you will. Then in the morning let them know you did, but they were asleep so you left them alone.

Judy - Discipline Is Not a Dirty Word #29

I once had a co-worker with two children who never set any limits for them. Those kids were scary to be around because you never knew what they would do next. I saw them suddenly start screaming, or climb up on my desk, or tip over all the potted plants, and their mother never said a word. I often thought if it were scary to be around them, think of how scary it must be to be them. They kept pushing, trying to find the limits of their world, and there weren’t any. As a result, no one wanted to be near them, including kids their own age. In effect, they were frightened, lonely children because their parents didn’t know how to control their behavior.

Discipline is the system whereby we civilize our children to live peaceably and happily in our society. It is not necessarily punishment, although sometimes that too is needed. Mostly, however, it is teaching and guiding. Even very small children understand when you tell them in a certain tone that something is unacceptable behavior, so follow through by teaching them a better way.

WARNINGS VS. THREATS

Warnings and threats are not the same thing, although some parents seem to use them interchangeably. A warning is a one-time statement that must always be carried out. A threat is an empty promise that probably won’t happen, a lie that betrays the reality and certainty of natural consequences.  Don’t ever threaten to do something and then not follow through! I can’t say this strongly enough. If you ignore this advice and threaten without follow-through, you lose all credibility with your kids. You might as well save your breath because ever afterwards they will merely tune you out, no matter how dire your threats are. If you do finally snap and carry out a threat, your kids will be disbelieving and indignant. “What was that all about?”

Also, Mom should never threaten their kids about what Dad will do when he gets home. What would you be teaching them about their father? Do you really want them to fear him?  That doesn’t seem healthy for anyone.

As I’ve said before, choose your battles carefully. What things can you be consistent about? These will probably be the same things you feel most strongly about. They will vary from family to family. Some parents can’t abide disorder of any kind, others will not allow sassing, still others will not condone any fighting. Whatever your strongest feelings are, that’s where you’ll be consistent. This is a good thing, because, frankly, consistency is one of the hardest things in the world to achieve when you live with kids day in and day out.

When our kids were younger, their friends all thought they had very strict parents. When they got older, their friends commented on how lenient we were. Guess what? We were the same parents. We may have been a little older and tireder, but we set certain standards when they were young so we could ease off when they became teenagers because they had internalized those standards.

I once knew a family counselor who told me his philosophy: when kids are young, they need more Dad (meaning more structure and discipline) and less Mom (meaning gentle, loving acceptance). When they’re teenagers, they need more Mom and less Dad. In his opinion, problems usually arose when it was the other way around. He said what often happened was that dads left the care of their young children almost entirely to moms. But when their kids are teenagers, Dad panics and steps in with a heavy hand, trying to make up for years of his hands-off approach. This occurs just as the kids are trying out their independence. Not only does it not work--he can’t really change their behavior no matter how hard he comes down on them--but it also causes terrible rifts in the family.

 

NATURAL AND LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

Whenever possible use natural or logical consequences when your child misbehaves. Unfortunately, natural consequences can be dangerous. For example, the natural consequence of children running in the street is that they get hit by a car. Therefore, you try to come up with a logical consequence for the same behavior, such as not allowing the child to go in the front yard by himself. If a child won’t brush her teeth, the natural consequence would be that her teeth all rot and fall out. The logical consequence is not to allow her any sweets at all until she does brush her teeth. See the difference?

At one time we could not prevent our kids from climbing and jumping on the sofa. Granted, it was an aging couch, but it was the only one we had, and we wanted it to look as good as it could. Repeated scoldings made no permanent difference. After a lecture, they stopped jumping for a while, but soon they were back at it. I knew they just forgot in the frenz y of the moment.

Finally, thinking of logical consequences, we made the decree that no one except Mom and Dad could be on the sofa or even touch it in any way for one month. During this time they could sit only on the floor or a chair, not the sofa. The first few days there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but they eventually accepted the situation. To a child a month is an eternity, and so it seemed to them. They all remember sitting around on the floor because the sofa was off limits. Afterwards, when they were allowed back on the sofa, they were much more aware of what they were doing. For a long time, they treated that old couch respectfully and didn’t take it for granted.

There is a very good book on this subject called Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, which we’ve found to a great resource.  Here’s what Amazon.com says about it:

This parenting book shows you how to raise self-confident, motivated children who are ready for the real world. Learn how to parent effectively while teaching your children responsibility and growing their character.  Establish healthy control through easy-to-implement steps without anger, threats, nagging, or power struggles.

Judy - Developing a Team Spirit #28

Over the years we came up with several group activities that let our kids know they were part of something larger than themselves. When they felt like they were part of an important organization, like the family, they felt they mattered because the family mattered. This feeling not only strengthened their sibling relationships--they often stuck up for each other at school--but it cut down on friction inside the home as well. These activities are beyond the normal, everyday things like eating dinner and playing or reading aloud together. The following are a few of our favorite things to do:

1. “I like you because...” We occasionally devoted our weekly family council meetings to this ego-boosting exercise. Everyone formed a circle with one member sitting in the middle. Then we went around the family and each one told why they liked that person, why he/she was special, and what they especially enjoyed doing together. Each member of the family got a turn in the middle and even the very young ones, who might not have understood what was being said about them, loved all the attention. This activity was  enjoyable for everyone, even me. We didn’t do this more than once a year or it would have lost its appeal.

2. Link by Link.  Since our family was so large, another popular game was to build a chain out of construction paper with each link representing one member. Everyone got to choose the color they wanted to represent them, and then we cut strips of equal length and width. As we linked the strips together in order of birth, we told each person’s story. First we interlocked Lloyd’s link with mine as we told how we met, courted and married. We then joined each child’s link to the chain and told stories about that person’s birth. We especially stressed how excited everyone was to see the new baby. When we were finished, we pointed out that every link was important and the chain would not be complete without any one link. We used to display these chains in the dining room for a month or so.

3. The Family Tree. A more permanent exhibit in our dining room was an embroidered family tree that spanned five generations. It was often the focal point of dinner table discussions and was a conversation starter when guests came over. It was an enjoyable way for the kids to get to know something about their ancestors which included a German mercenary who deserted the British army during the American Revolution. He hid out with a colonial family and later married their daughter. Another ancestress was the person who wove a section of the red carpet for Queen Victoria’s coronation and later walked across the plains with a wagon train to settle in the Salt Lake Valley. Her wagon had to stop three days outside of Salt Lake while she delivered her baby. Our kids had grandfathers in World Wars I and II and learned their stories. Every family has inspiring people and events, and it makes kids feel good about themselves when they realize they are descendants of courageous people like these.

4. Family Videos. It’s a good idea to record important events like the first step, an elementary school program, holidays, or even just playing together. You’ll probably find that these are your kids’ favorite videos to watch. You could take it a step further and set up an interview station and invite relatives to sit down for a brief taping. Ask for a little personal history first, then lead into such questions as, “What are your funniest childhood memories?” “When you were growing up, which of your relatives did you especially admire and why?” “What traits would you say describe the family personality?”  Have a list of questions ready and ask away. While we didn’t have the means to make these videos until later, we did have videos of two interviews of our family that appeared on nation-wide TV. We watched them over and over.

5. A Family Motto. When our kids were still small, Lloyd came up with a ditty we all chanted as we walked along: “We are the Abbotts, the mighty, mighty Abbotts! Everywhere we go-o-o-, people want to know-ow-ow, who we are, so we tell them...We are the Abbott’s, the mighty, mighty Abbotts...” Eventually the older kids didn’t appreciate singing this at the top of their lungs in public, but the younger ones sang out with gusto no matter where they were. When Kristen babysat another family, she taught their kids to sing our song, and I wondered how those parents felt about their kids singing, “We are the Abbotts...”

6. Seasonal activities. Holidays are a natural time for tradition-building, everything from dying Easter eggs to decorating the Christmas tree. But beware--if you do something twice, it will become a hide-bound tradition that will be expected from then on. But this is a natural time for fun projects that involve the whole family. And maybe it’s even a case of the more the better.

Judy - Implementing the TRC Bank #27

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO MAKE DECISIONS

The TRC bank (Trust, Respect and Confidence, see Try A Little TRC) allows parents to fulfill their primary function, that of mentor. By instilling values we teach them to make correct choices. Lloyd and I always felt that by age fourteen they should be able to make most of their own decisions. As mentors, we didn’t work hard to raise a bunch of independent thinkers only to clamp down on them when they started to think independently.

One spring we bought new bunk beds for the boys’ room. I listened as Lloyd discussed with 13-year-old Aaron how to arrange the room. Aaron asked, “Where should we put everything now?” Lloyd answered, “Well, it’s your room. How would you like it?”

Aaron thought a few minutes, then with Lloyd’s help they moved around the furniture. When they were finished, Aaron had done a good job of putting together a livable bedroom for himself and his brothers. But not matter how it looked, it was now his room, and he kept it cleaner than he had before.

Homework is another area for developing confidence.

I didn’t have to remind them to do it; by the time they were in middle school they knew better than I the stomach-churning consequences of unfinished assignments. Their homework was their business, not mine. I knew I would have resented it intensely if they came home from school and nagged me about the dishes not being done, or inquired sarcastically when I was going to make my bed.

This was not to say we were not extremely interested in how they did. If they brought home a poor grade, I hied myself down to the teacher to understand what happened and what we could do about it. And we helped when asked. I saw Lloyd struggle mightily with “word problems” and I had my share of typing late night term papers, and of course science fair projects often turned out to be major family undertakings. But in general we tried not to thrust our eager help on them uninvited.

The same went for bedtime, within limits. I tucked in the little ones with songs and stories, but by age 12-14, their bedtime was more their own affair.

They could stay up as late as they wanted until 11:00 pm, which was lights out. They could get up as early as they wanted and most of the family was up by 5:30 or 6:00 because of paper routes and early classes. Having said that I have to add that I’ve seen cases where kids have so much homework they are up till the wee hours of the morning. I think this is terrible, and parents should intervene if possible to avoid this situation. If there’s nothing you can do, I don’t see any harm in letting them sleep all day on Saturday if they can.  

I didn’t feel I was abdicating my role as a parent when I let my kids determine their own choices. On the contrary, besides making deposits in our TRC bank, I was preparing them to leave home successfully and be independent. Decisiveness is a skill we learn by making decisions, some of which may turn out to be wrong. After all, they do have “teenage brain” which is undeveloped and not quite mature. But it’s much better to make a few wrong choices while still at home where we can help than in the unforgiving world outside.

When I mentioned to other parents that teenagers should be able to make most of their own decisions, there is usually a gasp and a shocked, “No way! My son/daughter couldn’t possibly...” It that’s true, it’s because the parents have not taught them how or let them try.

WITHDRAWALS

Parents do have to make TRC withdrawals at times by setting rules for the family. We found it much easier to set limits before the teen years. We didn’t have many rules, but were were serious about the ones we did have. I tried to save my TRC withdrawals for important things and not expend much energy on trivial matters like haircuts. Or course your idea of what is important may differ from mine. So decide how strongly you feel about an issue before you make an issue of it.

Some of our statutes were unpopular--no single dating before the age of sixteen, for example. We acknowledged their feelings but still expected them to obey. A common statement heard about the food at the dinner table was, “You don’t have to like it; you just have to eat it.” The same principle applied to family rules.

It was especially beneficial if the kids themselves could help formulate the rules as much as possible. As a family we tried to foresee and discuss potential problems. If 11-year-old Ben asked, “Mom, what would you do if I shaved my head and pierced my eyebrow, nostril and tongue?” or 17-year-old MaryRuth asked, “What if I went out on a date and didn’t come home till 5:00 am?” No matter how outrageous the possibility, I tried to remain calm and discuss consequences. Talking it over ahead of time would, I hoped, head off the actual occurrence.

But not always. Once I was home, reading a book and minding my own business, when Ben came home and said, “Look what me and James did at the mall!” I looked up and saw he was wearing an earring. For once I was caught by surprise and my careful facade shattered. I screamed and fell off my chair. Ben quickly exclaimed as he helped me up, “Not really, Mom. See they’re fakes that peel right off. Although now I know how you really feel about it.” Because we laughed about it later, this experience turned out to be a deposit and not a withdrawal.

If we can live and let live as much as possible, instead of trying to direct their every move, we can go far to bridge the generation gap as well as make necessary deposits in our TRC bank. I can testify that it is even possible to enjoy your child’s teenage years.