Parental Affection Must Transcend Institutional Concerns / Lloyd

Recently a friend asked if a Facebook posting might not be part of a preface to an Abbott Family Chronicle. It wasn’t and I referred him to She Says, He Says to find our thoughts and experiences organized by subject matter. A quick review of our blog, however,  revealed a hodgepodge organized only by posting date.

To rectify the tangle I gave each post a subject label and built a first cut index that readers can see as a pop-up on the right edge of the screen.  In that process I took time to read, scan and cull the 334 posts that started in Oct 2008 when we began our blog, and to a degree I relived our documented challenges and concerns.

observations

As a result of that review and reliving I have several observations and three questions.

1. Our struggle with California Proposition 8 for me converted a lifetime of close interrelations with gays and lesbians to an uncomfortable institutional confrontation between Mormons and the LGBT community.
2. As I worked through my theological framework since 2008 I've became more convinced than ever that a samesex relationship is absolutely at odds with an eternal family pattern, wherein Heavenly Parents (a male and a female) conceive us spiritually and earthly parents provide mortal, physical bodies for our spirits.
3. That physical chain began on earth with the conception of our first parents Adam & Eve. They were born to immortal parents and raised in a family setting until they were joined in marriage and given the opportunity to transgress God’s commandment. Through transgression, Adam & Eve gained the ability to conceive children of their own within a mortal setting.
4. So much more than resurrection and immortality, eternal life is the state of married men and women with immortal, physical bodies. With these immortal, physical bodies husbands and wives continue the conception of spiritual beings within a family setting. Immortal parents then provide those children a mortal experience to acquire physical bodies of their own and eventually live in an expanding eternal family.
5. Consistent with this theological understanding, I find the fundamental gay and lesbian variance to this eternal pattern truly overwhelming.
6. And I’m amazed at the many gay and lesbian children I’ve encountered in the Mormon community.
7. I’ve been even more amazed and dismayed at the knee jerk shunning and ostracizing of these gay and lesbian children born in the covenant within our religious community that throws them into the hungry and waiting arms of the most tragic and harmful elements of society.

questions

Now the questions:  

1. Why is this great Mormon Community finding it so difficult to put aside the institutional concerns and encircle our gay and lesbian members, especially our own children, in an interpersonal embrace that heals wounds and provides these family members optimum mortal development?
2. Is our theology so narrow that we can’t recognize the value and potential for contribution of family members whether or not they are interested in or bound toward eternal family life?
3. Can we admit to no common ground within a current family relationship whether or not a family member is in full Church fellowship?

perspective

I have been working with men and women in violation of the doctrine and principles that lead to eternal life since my mission in 1964. Actually, since I began home teaching with my father when I was a teacher and a priest. He showed me it was possible to engage members, and men and women generally, in interpersonal relationships of respect and service. He showed me it wasn’t my place to be judgemental or punitive.  He was absolutely realistic of what was, but he never let that get in his way of extending a caring outreach. And he accepted rejection without rancor.

Every day I work professionally in a maximum security setting to provide wellness and recovery support to incarcerated men who have broken every commandment. And with the fewest possible exceptions, mostly among the seriously mentally ill who are yet to stabilize on medications,  we have found common ground for safe, respectful, and productive relationships.

I’m not so naive to ignore the importance to safety of the highly structured security measures in place. However, I’m still surprised at the caring stability that can be achieved even with the men who were most dangerous and destructive when they lived outside of security. And actually, the goal and reality is that the majority of these men will eventually be released to the community.

Therefore, I really don’t understand our own people that seem so ready to jettison their own children who are caught in such an anomalous disconnect with eternity. How can we cut them off, those little children we ourselves conceived and bore with such hope and love, waiting for the institution to get things sorted out?

Dr. Joshua A. Fishman, the Passing of a Good Man / Lloyd & Judy

In 1969 I began a Doctoral Program in Language and Behavior at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Social Sciences and Humanities, Yeshiva University in New York City.

Dr. Joshua Aaron Fishman and his wife Gella helped Judy and me establish an enduring family fabric. In their home and at their table we observed Friday night candle lightings and religious and yiddish tutoring woven into their family life. We experienced the dynamic synergy of husband & wife, mother & father raising their sons. We participated in lively Hanukkah and Passover celebrations and in their Synagogue, Purim where groggers and stamping feet drowned out every mention of Haman. 

Gella introduced me to Yiddish education and encouraged me to enter an intensive summer study of Yiddish and Eastern European Jewry, a joint effort of the YIVO Institute, Columbia University and Yeshiva University.

All that we saw and felt in our interactions with Gella and Dr. Fishman provided an essential contribution to the spiritual and cultural architecture for our beginning family.

Judy and I have 9 children, who are all married, and this year we’ll have 40 grandchildren. The Fishman influence has been enormous and continuing as our children have established families of their own and carried our family culture forward.

We named two sons Aaron and Joshua.  And now after the deeper insight of 47 years of marriage and watching our daughters working with their husbands in bringing their own children to adulthood, Judy and I regret not having named a daughter Gella. 

Dr. Fishman died March 1, 2015.  Obituary at The Jewish Daily Forward.

Judy - Life after Birth #7

Several women having their first babies have mentioned how they were not prepared for the following three things:  1) How difficult the recovery was, 2) How much they loved that baby, and conversely, 3) How they didn’t recognize her right away.

1) How difficult the recovery was.

Even if we are prepared for a painful childbirth experience, our thoughts often don’t go beyond that. We imagine how wonderful it will be to have our own little baby, but we don’t realize what a trauma our bodies have to go through to get it. Your bottom will hurt whether you’ve have an episiotomy or not, and it will be hard to go to the bathroom. In fact, the first bowel movement after delivery is cause for celebration. Your arms, legs, and stomach may ache from straining. Your breasts and especially your nipples will hurt as they adjust to breast feeding, and then your milk comes in and suddenly you’re dealing with two bowling balls on your chest. And you’ll sweat a lot to rid yourself of all the water retention from pregnancy. Add to this mix of physical discomforts the natural hormonal fluctuations, and basically you’ll be a mess for about a week or so.

Just know that this stage does not last long and take some tylenol.

However, you should also be aware of the possibility of postpartum depression, which is a very real thing. I’ve read that as many as 10% to 20% of women suffer from it.  Here is a quote from the Mayo Clinic web page:

“The birth of a baby can trigger a jumble of powerful emotions, from excitement and joy to fear and anxiety. But it can also result in something you might not expect — depression.

Many new moms experience the ‘baby blues’ after childbirth, which commonly include mood swings and crying spells that fade quickly. But some new moms experience a more severe, long-lasting form of depression known as postpartum depression.”

If these feeling don’t go away after two-four weeks and are actually getting worse so that you can’t care for your baby, run don’t walk to your doctor. The sooner you get treatment, the easier it is to treat it. I have also heard this can come upon a new mother any time within the first year, but there is always help. This is one thing you don’t have to suffer through.

2) How much they loved that baby.

Many people are absolutely gobsmacked by the love they feel for their child. Like the delivery, it’s not like anything, any experience you’ve ever had before, and there is no way to describe the strength of it to someone else. Then you begin to realize that from now on, your heart will be walking around outside your body.

I knew one woman whose pregnancy was almost incidental to other dramas she was going through in her life so she didn’t think much about the baby coming. But when she held him for the first time and looked at his little round face, she said, “I didn’t know it was you!”

Or conversely, 3) How they didn’t recognize her right away.

Most people experience an immediate bonding with their infant, but not everyone does. Sometimes you look at her and see a total stranger. Cute, but not familiar. But this closeness/bonding usually comes when you care for her constantly, and the two of you spend a lot of time together. It’s a basic fact that you love the people you serve, and you’ll be doing the most serving you’ve ever done in your life. So don’t be worried if you take a few days to begin to feel like a mother to this child. It will come, and again, it will surprise you by the force of its power.

Sometimes you might suddenly be struck with the heavy burden it is to be totally responsible for another human being. I understand that when my father took his first look at me, his immediate reaction was, “That poor little s**t! All she has is me!”  Again, don’t worry about it. At this point all you have to do is feed her, keep her warm and dry, and love her. The rest will come one day at a time and so gradually that before you are even aware, it’s no burden at all, but has somehow become your whole reason for living.

Next: Living with a Newborn

Judy - Deliveries Everywhere #6

As for the delivery itself, the best advice I can give is to take whatever childbirth classes are available and learn what to expect and what to do. Several women having their first babies have mentioned that the whole delivery was the scariest thing for them. Today, however, it doesn't have to be scary or, for many women, even painful. The obstetrical profession seems to have finally realized the important role the mother plays (well, duh) and has begun to afford her the respect and care she needs.

The main change I've seen since my babies were born is the use of the epidural. According to Wikipedia, “Epidural techniques frequently involve injection of drugs through a catheter placed into the epidural space. The injection can result in a loss of sensation—including the sensation of pain—by blocking the transmission of signals through nerve fibers in or near the spinal cord.”

Unfortunately, there are a few problems with it. One occasional downside is that you might have headaches for a couple days afterwards. Also, sometimes the baby comes too fast and there's no time--you’re almost ready to push and have already gone through most of the hard part anyway .If you do time it right, though, most of your labor will be merely boring with some periods of intense concentration and a final dramatic ending, but not painful. Really. You can relax and get out of your own way and let your body take over and do what it needs to do.

The first method I used was Lamaze, which was fairly new at the time. It worked better than nothing, but you still had to try to relax through very painful contractions by a series of breathing techniques. Today there are alternatives to Lamaze. One method gaining in popularity is called Hypno Birthing. It is a kind of self-hypnosis designed to help you relax completely, enough so that you can actually disregard the pain and not let it get in the way. I've heard varying degrees of satisfaction with this method, but it is worth looking into.

Whichever method you use, make sure your doctor will agree. Some of them are more open to differing techniques than others. Also, with all methods you do need to do the preparations! And it works better if your husband can be part of it with you.

Now I have to tell you about my own delivery experiences. My first two babies were born the old-fashioned way, and when I say “old-fashioned,” I mean medieval. I was left in a room and periodically given pitocin pills to hurry things along. I didn't know what was happening--there was very little information available and my doctors had told me nothing. I was afraid and I was alone. Poor Lloyd had to wait in the fathers’ waiting room all night and was admonished to keep his feet off the coffee table. For the first baby, just before the delivery, I was given a general anesthetic and missed the whole thing. When I finally woke up hours later, I was so sick from the anesthesia I couldn't even see my baby until the next day. With my second one, I didn't have any anesthesia, but I was pushing for two hours and both the doctor and nurse kept scolding me because I was “doing it all wrong.” It’s amazing I had any more children at all.

For my next two babies, I discovered the Laying In Hospital in New York City and had a completely different experience. For the first time, my husband was encouraged to be with me and we were able to use the Lamaze we'd learned together. Soon afterwards, Lloyd went into the military, and I had three more babies in Army hospitals in Germany. On the one hand, it was great because it was so cheap. Just $15 a pop, which covered my meals. I tell people the reason we had so many children is because we couldn't pass up a bargain like that.

Of course, you get what you pay for. The military hospitals are meant for soldiers so the maternity wing is like a bare-bones afterthought. For example, after the delivery, I spent two hours in recovery, then had to walk up a flight of stairs to the maternity ward. Once there, I found a set of sheets on my bed, which I was expected to make myself. Meanwhile, an 18-year-old male corpsman explained all about how to care for myself, including how to use  the peri bottle. The next day, I heard the food cart come down the hall and the lady pushing it yelled, “Breakfast, ladies!” We all struggled out of bed and made our slow way to the cart to pick up our trays and bring them back to our beds. Then we had to bus our own dishes back to the cart. During one of my stays, I saw a woman in a hospital gown and robe mopping the floor next to her bed. Definitely no frills.

No one had individual rooms either. We were placed in large spaces with four people apiece and no TV’s. Since we all stayed three full days, we got to know each other pretty well and that was kind of fun. However, they dressed our babies in raggedy undershirts, disposable diapers, and worn, threadbare receiving blankets. One colonel’s wife kept saying she wanted to go home immediately so she could put her baby in some decent clothing. We kept our babies with us at all times; no friendly nursery took them during the night.

In spite of all this, I just kept having them.

I've heard it said, “Women forget childbirth once they have a baby in their arms.” First of all, it sounds like something a man would say, and second, it’s not true. We do not forget. To this day, I remember every painful breath. But the bottom line is the babies made it all worthwhile. Yes, it was kind of awful, but look what we have because of it!

Next: Afterwards

A Field of Choice, Marriageable Non-Members

In an earlier post I introduced  Mariellen Stallard,  a mature and single graduate student with a 22-year old, disabled son. She met John Staley in class and shared the gospel and her testimony. Then John, who turned out to be a Catholic Priest, Benedictine Monk, and post-doctoral fellow in sociology, investigated the Church, attended the Philadelphia Ward, was baptized, married Sister Stallard, and eventually became a Professor of Sociology at Brigham Young University (teaching from 1969 to 1985.) I had just returned to the University of Pennsylvania from my mission in Guatemala in 1967 and met John Staley, heard his ringing testimony of the Restored Gospel, and witnessed his adoration for his wife.  

Hartman and Connie Rector published John Staley’s conversion story in “A Catholic Monk Finds Gospel Brotherhood,” No More Strangers, Vol. 1 p.19).  I showcased Mariellen because she is typical of many quiet, remarkable Mormon women who otherwise might be overlooked.  She found love and marriage later in a very full life.  And like three of our own children, she married a wonderful person who joined the Church after they met.

special, valiant spirits

The Lord prompted Mariellen to reach out to a non-member man and date. We could reasonably include John among the many choice men and women, some of them single, that the Lord has placed among specific non-member families of the world. In the words of Elder Eldred G. Smith, Presiding Patriarch of the Church,

“The teaching in the spirit world has continued since the crucifixion of Christ. This means many are accepting the teachings all the time. Their descendants are found in all the nations of the earth. To assist those who have accepted the gospel in the spirit world . . . the Lord has reserved special, valiant spirits who in the pre-existence were so strong that the Lord knew they would accept the gospel when they heard it . . .with a special mission to be a saving power to their ancestors . . . responsible for all their family research.” (See “Our Responsibility to Our Dead,” Eldred G. Smith, Conference Report, April 1962, pp. 65-67) Emphasis added.

a side note on hartman and connie rector

Hartman and Connie Rector were converts, and he became a General Authority - one of the First Seven Presidents of Seventy. In the 50's and 60's I experienced among some established Mormon families a view that their children needed to marry those who were born into the Church, but never converts.

In 1971 the Hartmans began publishing powerful accounts of baptized adults and their conversion stories in what became 4 volumes of the No More Strangers series. I always felt that these accounts were intended in part to facilitate full acceptance of new converts into the Church. 

Mormon demographics suggest that many more LDS women would face a diminished pool of marriageable men if converts were excluded and they weren't permitted to find mates among non-members. See The Disappearing Mormon Bachelor, NYTIMES.COM

Marriage - So Who's Asking? / Lloyd

In 1967, when Judy and I were M Men-Gleaner leaders and first married, we found ourselves counseling women approaching age 30 that they could be much more active in getting married than waiting for Brother Right to propose.  

For women, we introduced strategic planning, preparation, and tactics, i.e., role playing, to help them better appreciate the dynamics involved.

For men, we emphasized courage and stepping up, but they didn't seem to need much encouragement then. Women, however, outnumbered men. So women getting married, especially to men already in the Church, was more competitive. 

48 years later, with men more inclined to just hang out, getting a proposal of marriage is even more challenging for women.

ruth, naomi & boaz

Ironically, the name Gleaner brings to mind Ruth.  She was an alien in Israel, and her mother-in-law Naomi gave her important guidance in helping Boaz admit to himself a certain affection towards Ruth, which he had misinterpreted as charity and helpfulness on his part.

Also, Boaz had an age-difference thing that Naomi neatly circumvented and cleared the way to forging an important link in the genealogy of Jesus Christ.

proposals - rules of thumb

Two rules of thumb I've noticed over the years:

First - Most men I know who are persistent in proposing after the woman declines several times end up wishing they hadn’t won. When she says “no,” believe her.

Second - Mostly, men are willing to propose when the woman has one way or another let him know first she will accept the proposal. The story of Ruth & Boaz fits here.

a modern marriage proposal

That said, I especially enjoy the following account of a modern marriage proposal:

I proposed to my husband and this summer we'll be celebrating our 10th anniversary!

We'd dated for a couple years, we were committed, happy and I didn't plan to ask. We were in the produce department and I don't remember what he said, but he made me laugh really hard and I just felt so happy and content and realized that all I needed was him. Spontaneously, I said, "So, you think you might want to get married?" He broke out in a huge grin and said, "Yeah, I think that might be a good idea." Seriously. That's our story. No ring. No getting down on one knee. And I still feel giddy remembering it. I think every relationship is different. Luckily, we don't subscribe to old conventions when it comes to ours.

We can't always trust our emotions--especially in a powerful, cinematic moment like a proposal. But I think that underneath the emotion, there's always something (cliche as it sounds) in your gut that tells you if it's the right thing to do. In our culture we accept that you should follow your heart and obey your instinct. I think that's all right, so long as you're NOT ignoring your deep down voice. Mine was telling me "yes" that day in the produce department, and thankfully, so was his. I knew it was the right thing. It still is. [Comment from Amy to blog post  Team Practical: Women Proposing to Men]

so who’s asking?

In truth, when carefully considered, “Who’s asking” is more often softly blurred, and that’s ok.

Judy - Finding a Name & Then There’s Twins #5

Click (here) to see Baby Names Comedy Sketch - Nick

One stressful aspect of expecting a baby is choosing a name for said baby. Think of the responsibility--you are deciding what this child will be called among friends, family, and classmates forever. You decide whether or not he will be teased, looked up to, admired, or scorned. (No pressure.) If you have other children, you might have run out of all the names you both like. And what if he doesn’t like his own name? One of my 6-year-old nephews told his parents, “Why’d you have to name me Vance? Why couldn’t you name me Blood Ax?”

There are always family names to choose from, but of course you have to be careful with old fashioned names like Gertrude or Hepsibah. Also, you can find thousands of names in books, and we used them at least once when we’d run out of ideas. To me, the most interesting name books were those with ethnic names like Irish or Italian or Japanese.

Then there’s the middle name. None of my girls have one because ever since I got married, my own middle name has been like a third arm, and I didn’t want to saddle them with it. Don’t know how they feel about that, but my sister didn’t have one either and always grieved over it. So she made up her own, calling herself Marilyn Rose. On the other hand, this is where you could really get creative. Maybe you don’t want to make the child stand out too much with her first name, but you can let ‘er rip with the second one. Like the child called Janet Pocahontas Johnson.

The best source I know for choosing a baby’s name is the Social Security Website. It lists all the names sent in for social security cards and shows the most popular names for any given year from 1880 to today. If you want to choose the most popular name in America for your baby, it’s there. If, however, you want to avoid your child having the same name as five other kids in her class, you can look down the list of the 1,000 names of each year for one you like.

For example, in 2013, the latest year for which they have data, the top five boys names were: William, Mason, Jacob, Liam, and Noah. For girls they were: Ana, Isabella, Olivia, Emma and Sophie. (I’m not even going to mention celebrity kids’ weird names.)

One of my favorite stories as a little girl was about the Apple family. Because of their last name, the father thought all the children should be named after apples. Their first son was Jonathan, then came a girl named Gala, another boy, McIntosh, a girl, Honeycrisp, and a boy--Fuji. Then came the twins, a boy, Red Delicious (called Red), and a girl, Golden Delicious (called Golden). With their 8th and last child, a little girl, Mr. Apple wanted to call her Granny Smith. "Please," said Mrs. Apple, "Could I name this one since it is our last?" Mr. Apple agreed and so the baby was named Mary.

There there’s Utah names.

When my daughter, Kristen and her husband, Nathan, already had two little boys, they found themselves expecting twin boys. Nathan said, “Now whenever we go anywhere, half the family is sitting in your seat.” They were at a complete loss for two more boy names.

Nathan’s co-workers, however, had a solution. He is a mathematician, and his colleagues suggested naming the twins, who would be their third and fourth children, after the third and fourth moments in statistics. The first moment is “mean,” the second is “random,” the third is “skew,” and the fourth is “kurtosis.” But Kristen inexplicably vetoed this practical suggestion.

Up until their birth, the boys were known among the medical staff as Baby A and Baby B. Then, since the doctors had given them at least the first letters of their names, they were eventually called Alec and Braden.

sidenote about twins

Evidently there is a baby boomlet in twins and other multiple births these days, due in large part to use of the fertility drug Clomid as well as older women having children. Many  hospitals report more and more twins being born, and school systems are enrolling more twins than ever before in school. Since the 80’s the percentage of twins jumped 52%, according the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (NOMOTC), and Clomid is responsible for two-thirds of this hike.

One of the things that worried Kristen, besides having four boys under six, was whether she’d be able to breastfeed two babies. Her five-year-old reassured her, “You won’t have any trouble, Mom. You have two of those feeder things.” And she did manage just fine.

If you find yourself expecting multiples, all I can say is, get all the help you can get! Lean on everyone--far-flung family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, church members, the UPS delivery man--everyone who will lend a hand. And if you can, line them up before the birth so you have as large a support group as possible in place. I know of at least one web site that is helpful: National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs. It is full of constructive advice, much of it from other parents who have been there, which is the best kind.

Soon after I returned home from helping Kristen, I got a call from Emily, another pregnant daughter, who wailed down the line, “I’m so sorry, Mom. But the doctor says it’s twins!” She had a boy and a girl. Then, a few years later, my son’s wife, Megan, a twin herself, had another set of twin boys. We had ourselves our own little baby boomlet.

Next: The Delivery

Conception Fires the Expanding Universe / Lloyd

Contemplate the immensity of the Andromeda Galaxy exhibited by the Hubble Space Telescope pictures released 5 Jan 2015. And realize that conception came first, then homes were needed for God’s spiritual progeny.

Relative to our Earth, under direction of our Heavenly Father (Elohim) premortal Jehovah, Michael and presumably others planned, modeled, and created a suitable habitation for a mortal experience.

After its mortal purpose is completed, Earth is endowed with its celestial character and moved back to the center of celestial space near where God dwells, inhabited by those individuals who qualify for life in a celestial kingdom. Other habitations of lesser glory are established for individuals who qualify for terrestrial and telestial kingdoms.

Those men and women in the celestial kingdom who qualify for eternal family life then generate through conception their own families and the process continues. Thus conception firers the expanding Universe.

How tragic and short sighted that so many men and women in their mortal state so lightly treat the sacredness of the creative powers that reside within them. They completely disregard Elohim’s guidelines for Chastity that would have permitted them in the future, as intended, to conceive spiritual beings, children of their own, to people elements of a universe constantly expanding to provide eternal habitations.  

Without a major turnaround during mortality, they can never ever be principal players in this extraordinary eternal process.