Judy - Developing a Team Spirit #28

Over the years we came up with several group activities that let our kids know they were part of something larger than themselves. When they felt like they were part of an important organization, like the family, they felt they mattered because the family mattered. This feeling not only strengthened their sibling relationships--they often stuck up for each other at school--but it cut down on friction inside the home as well. These activities are beyond the normal, everyday things like eating dinner and playing or reading aloud together. The following are a few of our favorite things to do:

1. “I like you because...” We occasionally devoted our weekly family council meetings to this ego-boosting exercise. Everyone formed a circle with one member sitting in the middle. Then we went around the family and each one told why they liked that person, why he/she was special, and what they especially enjoyed doing together. Each member of the family got a turn in the middle and even the very young ones, who might not have understood what was being said about them, loved all the attention. This activity was  enjoyable for everyone, even me. We didn’t do this more than once a year or it would have lost its appeal.

2. Link by Link.  Since our family was so large, another popular game was to build a chain out of construction paper with each link representing one member. Everyone got to choose the color they wanted to represent them, and then we cut strips of equal length and width. As we linked the strips together in order of birth, we told each person’s story. First we interlocked Lloyd’s link with mine as we told how we met, courted and married. We then joined each child’s link to the chain and told stories about that person’s birth. We especially stressed how excited everyone was to see the new baby. When we were finished, we pointed out that every link was important and the chain would not be complete without any one link. We used to display these chains in the dining room for a month or so.

3. The Family Tree. A more permanent exhibit in our dining room was an embroidered family tree that spanned five generations. It was often the focal point of dinner table discussions and was a conversation starter when guests came over. It was an enjoyable way for the kids to get to know something about their ancestors which included a German mercenary who deserted the British army during the American Revolution. He hid out with a colonial family and later married their daughter. Another ancestress was the person who wove a section of the red carpet for Queen Victoria’s coronation and later walked across the plains with a wagon train to settle in the Salt Lake Valley. Her wagon had to stop three days outside of Salt Lake while she delivered her baby. Our kids had grandfathers in World Wars I and II and learned their stories. Every family has inspiring people and events, and it makes kids feel good about themselves when they realize they are descendants of courageous people like these.

4. Family Videos. It’s a good idea to record important events like the first step, an elementary school program, holidays, or even just playing together. You’ll probably find that these are your kids’ favorite videos to watch. You could take it a step further and set up an interview station and invite relatives to sit down for a brief taping. Ask for a little personal history first, then lead into such questions as, “What are your funniest childhood memories?” “When you were growing up, which of your relatives did you especially admire and why?” “What traits would you say describe the family personality?”  Have a list of questions ready and ask away. While we didn’t have the means to make these videos until later, we did have videos of two interviews of our family that appeared on nation-wide TV. We watched them over and over.

5. A Family Motto. When our kids were still small, Lloyd came up with a ditty we all chanted as we walked along: “We are the Abbotts, the mighty, mighty Abbotts! Everywhere we go-o-o-, people want to know-ow-ow, who we are, so we tell them...We are the Abbott’s, the mighty, mighty Abbotts...” Eventually the older kids didn’t appreciate singing this at the top of their lungs in public, but the younger ones sang out with gusto no matter where they were. When Kristen babysat another family, she taught their kids to sing our song, and I wondered how those parents felt about their kids singing, “We are the Abbotts...”

6. Seasonal activities. Holidays are a natural time for tradition-building, everything from dying Easter eggs to decorating the Christmas tree. But beware--if you do something twice, it will become a hide-bound tradition that will be expected from then on. But this is a natural time for fun projects that involve the whole family. And maybe it’s even a case of the more the better.

Judy - Implementing the TRC Bank #27

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO MAKE DECISIONS

The TRC bank (Trust, Respect and Confidence, see Try A Little TRC) allows parents to fulfill their primary function, that of mentor. By instilling values we teach them to make correct choices. Lloyd and I always felt that by age fourteen they should be able to make most of their own decisions. As mentors, we didn’t work hard to raise a bunch of independent thinkers only to clamp down on them when they started to think independently.

One spring we bought new bunk beds for the boys’ room. I listened as Lloyd discussed with 13-year-old Aaron how to arrange the room. Aaron asked, “Where should we put everything now?” Lloyd answered, “Well, it’s your room. How would you like it?”

Aaron thought a few minutes, then with Lloyd’s help they moved around the furniture. When they were finished, Aaron had done a good job of putting together a livable bedroom for himself and his brothers. But not matter how it looked, it was now his room, and he kept it cleaner than he had before.

Homework is another area for developing confidence.

I didn’t have to remind them to do it; by the time they were in middle school they knew better than I the stomach-churning consequences of unfinished assignments. Their homework was their business, not mine. I knew I would have resented it intensely if they came home from school and nagged me about the dishes not being done, or inquired sarcastically when I was going to make my bed.

This was not to say we were not extremely interested in how they did. If they brought home a poor grade, I hied myself down to the teacher to understand what happened and what we could do about it. And we helped when asked. I saw Lloyd struggle mightily with “word problems” and I had my share of typing late night term papers, and of course science fair projects often turned out to be major family undertakings. But in general we tried not to thrust our eager help on them uninvited.

The same went for bedtime, within limits. I tucked in the little ones with songs and stories, but by age 12-14, their bedtime was more their own affair.

They could stay up as late as they wanted until 11:00 pm, which was lights out. They could get up as early as they wanted and most of the family was up by 5:30 or 6:00 because of paper routes and early classes. Having said that I have to add that I’ve seen cases where kids have so much homework they are up till the wee hours of the morning. I think this is terrible, and parents should intervene if possible to avoid this situation. If there’s nothing you can do, I don’t see any harm in letting them sleep all day on Saturday if they can.  

I didn’t feel I was abdicating my role as a parent when I let my kids determine their own choices. On the contrary, besides making deposits in our TRC bank, I was preparing them to leave home successfully and be independent. Decisiveness is a skill we learn by making decisions, some of which may turn out to be wrong. After all, they do have “teenage brain” which is undeveloped and not quite mature. But it’s much better to make a few wrong choices while still at home where we can help than in the unforgiving world outside.

When I mentioned to other parents that teenagers should be able to make most of their own decisions, there is usually a gasp and a shocked, “No way! My son/daughter couldn’t possibly...” It that’s true, it’s because the parents have not taught them how or let them try.

WITHDRAWALS

Parents do have to make TRC withdrawals at times by setting rules for the family. We found it much easier to set limits before the teen years. We didn’t have many rules, but were were serious about the ones we did have. I tried to save my TRC withdrawals for important things and not expend much energy on trivial matters like haircuts. Or course your idea of what is important may differ from mine. So decide how strongly you feel about an issue before you make an issue of it.

Some of our statutes were unpopular--no single dating before the age of sixteen, for example. We acknowledged their feelings but still expected them to obey. A common statement heard about the food at the dinner table was, “You don’t have to like it; you just have to eat it.” The same principle applied to family rules.

It was especially beneficial if the kids themselves could help formulate the rules as much as possible. As a family we tried to foresee and discuss potential problems. If 11-year-old Ben asked, “Mom, what would you do if I shaved my head and pierced my eyebrow, nostril and tongue?” or 17-year-old MaryRuth asked, “What if I went out on a date and didn’t come home till 5:00 am?” No matter how outrageous the possibility, I tried to remain calm and discuss consequences. Talking it over ahead of time would, I hoped, head off the actual occurrence.

But not always. Once I was home, reading a book and minding my own business, when Ben came home and said, “Look what me and James did at the mall!” I looked up and saw he was wearing an earring. For once I was caught by surprise and my careful facade shattered. I screamed and fell off my chair. Ben quickly exclaimed as he helped me up, “Not really, Mom. See they’re fakes that peel right off. Although now I know how you really feel about it.” Because we laughed about it later, this experience turned out to be a deposit and not a withdrawal.

If we can live and let live as much as possible, instead of trying to direct their every move, we can go far to bridge the generation gap as well as make necessary deposits in our TRC bank. I can testify that it is even possible to enjoy your child’s teenage years.

Judy - Try A Little TRC #26

When some of my children were teenagers, they came home from school one day and told me about a big discussion they’d had at lunchtime. Their friends had enumerated all the things their parents did that drove them crazy. They mentioned such parental foibles as refusing to let them choose their own friends and clothes, nagging them about chores and schoolwork, and showing a general lack of trust and respect. My kids said they had nothing to add to this litany of complaints and felt left out because things were different at our house.

I remembered with gratitude a speech I’d heard from Stephen Covey many years before. I’d never forgotten it and tried to live by it. Covey said that in any relationship, but especially with our teenage children, we have a TRC Bank. The currency in this bank is Trust, Respect, and Confidence. As in any other bank, we need to keep the deposits ahead of the withdrawals. Whenever we demonstrate trust in our children, respect their abilities and opinions, and show confidence in their decisions, we make deposits. When we have to rebuke them, criticize them, or even just set limits, we make withdrawals. If we have not made enough deposits to cover those withdrawals, our relationship is overdrawn and on the way to bankruptcy. On the other hand, if we have a healthy balance in this bank, we add to their self-esteem and strengthen our connection.

One summer I worked part-time in the women’s section of a large department store. While there I saw the same scene enacted repeatedly: a mother and her teenage daughter waging a fierce argument over which swimsuit to buy the daughter. Looking at the suits, usually I couldn’t see much difference, even in price. I could understand the objection if the daughters wanted something totally sheer or a string bikini, or if it cost the earth. The argument, however, was usually over taste--the mother’s versus the daughter’s. These mothers were making withdrawals on already shaky accounts over something that was essentially unimportant.

I wanted to shout at them, “For heaven’s sake, she’s going to wear it, not you!” I knew when the girls were forced to submit, they would be resentful every time they wore that blasted swimsuit.

When my own girls wanted to buy swimsuits, I assumed they knew our standards of modesty, recommended what they should spend, and let them do their own shopping. They were capable, intelligent girls, and their taste in clothes differed from mine because the current styles were more important to them. If they did make a mistake and buy something horrible, they soon knew it by the reaction of their peers without my saying a word.

Of course I didn’t teach them to buy clothes that summer. Even in first grade they had definite ideas about what they liked to wear. When we went shopping, I mentioned price and modesty and then let them choose their own clothes.

There are many other ways we make TRC deposits and withdrawals with our kids.

TRUST

I once heard an example of parents not trusting their son, a 13-year-old seventh grader. Two of the boy’s classmates accused him, as a joke, of threatening them with a knife in English class. The vice principal investigated and was about to call his parents when the teacher said the accusation was ridiculous and nothing had happened. The boy was relieved because he told my son, “My dad never would have believed me. He would have believed those other guys, and I don’t know what he would have done to me.” Whether this was true or not, he believed it. He honestly thought his father had no trust in him.

I’ve been asked, “What about friends? What if your child suddenly takes up with a real scumbag?” When I was a teenager, one of my best friends had a boyfriend her parents didn’t like. They constantly criticized him and finally forbade her to go out with him. Like a Victorian heroine, she left the house with her friends, then left us to meet him. We watched this go on for months and often talked about it. Frankly, we didn’t like him either. Our teenage wisdom told us her parents were going about it all wrong. “If they had trusted her,” we told each other, “she would have seen by herself the kind of guy he was.” Eventually, she told us she was only dating him to spite her parents because by then she didn’t like him either. Meantime, she had wasted nearly a year on that loser.

RESPECT

Our neighbors had a teenage daughter who babysat for her two little brothers after school while her parents worked. She told my daughter she didn’t mind babysitting so much, although it was hard to clean the house, do the laundry, and fix dinner when she had a lot of homework. But what infuriated her almost to the point of running away was being taken for granted. Her parents disregarded her efforts, and treated her the same as her brothers--ordering her to go to bed, criticizing her clothes, etc.

As I listened to this girl talk to my daughter, I could see she was crying out for respect and appreciation. Her parents could have made large deposits in their TRC bank if they had treated her as a third partner in the family organization. They had given her many adult responsibilities with no adult rights and privileges. I knew two other families in almost the same situation, and in both cases the girls left home prematurely: one married at sixteen and the other ran away and got pregnant. A little appreciation would have made a big difference.

A less spectacular but still important way to show respect for children is to believe them. When mine told me they didn’t feel well enough to go to school, I always let them stay home and it never got out of hand.

Once my 10-year-old daughter had just had a new haircut. As she was about to leave for school, I said, “Your hair needs brushing; let me do it.” When I brushed it all the curl went out of it, and she sank down on the stairs in tears. She sobbed, “I just spent an hour trying to curl it with a curling iron. Now they’re going to say I look like a boy again!” I felt terrible for her and I said, “Honey, do you want to stay home this morning? We can fix your hair, and you can dry your eyes. Then I’ll take you to school at lunchtime.” And that’s what we did. On the note to her teacher I said she wasn’t feeling well that morning--perfectly true.

I shudder to think what would have happened to our relationship if I had ignored her feelings, rushed her out the door because she was going to miss the bus, and sent her off to school in tears. Admittedly this was easier for me because I wasn’t rushing off to work myself. But even if i had been, I like to think I would have found some way at that moment to ease her bruised feelings, maybe simply by acknowledging them.

CONFIDENCE

One day Kristen, 15, came home and told me about a conversation she’d had with a friend at school. Her friend had complained, “Don’t you hate it when your mother tells you to do the dishes, then says, ‘Be sure to scrape the plates and don’t forget to turn on the dishwasher.’ Don’t you hate it when she tells you step by step as if you didn’t know anything?”

Kristen replied, “I sure would if it ever happened.” She told me she was glad that when I gave her a job, I let her do it. In other words, I showed confidence in her ability. She had been doing dishes, as well as many other chores, for years and by now we both knew her capabilities.

I saw the sad results of too little confidence and too much parental interference among my college roommates. One of my first roommates agonized every morning about what to wear because her mother had always laid out her clothes for her. When she left for college without her mother, she was in trouble. Several other girls could not make themselves study because the habit had never been internalized. Their parents had always told them when to study and how to do their homework. Suddenly, there they were, far from home and on their own, nobody nagging them to hit the books, and they folded. Because their parents evidently had no confidence in them, the girls failed to develop the necessary skills and confidence in themselves.

Today we would call these people “Helicopter parents.” It’s my belief they do their children no favors. I would even go so far as to say they are crippling their kids’ ability to navigate in the real world.

Judy - Self-Esteem Part 3: Praise and Appearance #25

PRAISE

Children are like sponges who soak up everything we say to them. If we say, “You’re so stupid or clumsy or slow,” they believe it and act accordingly. If we let them know we think they’re beautiful or smart or funny or creative, they will believe it and that is how they will act. The trick is how to let them know.

We know it’s important to praise our children, at least I hope we know this, but there is a right way and a not-so-right way to do it. The best way is to DESCRIBE what you are praising: “I see a nice, clean room with all the clothes picked up and the bed made.” Then say how you feel about it: “It makes me feel grateful because now I won’t have to do it.” I heard of one mother trying to come up with something positive who finally looked up and said, “You have a beautifully clean ceiling.”

The less-right way is to say, “You’re wonderful.” Although it might sound good, often kids think to themselves, Yeah, but if she really knew what I’m like, she wouldn’t think that.

One of the best books I’ve read on the subject is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish. Yes, they are the same ones who wrote Siblings Without Rivalry. They not only tell how to use praise effectively, but also some of the problems with praise. For example, it can make the child doubt the praiser, i.e. “You look so pretty in that outfit,” might lead to: she obviously doesn’t know what looks good on me. A better way could be to say/describe, “That looks like it fits you. How does it feel?” This puts the deciding back on her shoulders and lets her know you have faith in her ability to shop.

Believe it or not, praise can also be threatening. “You did that project perfectly. Good job.” He might think, but how will I do next time? So describe what you see: “I see there is a lot of information on the poster and yet it is very neat and easy to understand.” This lets him know he did a good job because you’re saying the project was well done.

Vague, nebulous praise can even appear manipulative. “I think you’re great,” might make him think, why is she saying that? What does she want from me? So try something like, “I couldn’t help but notice how nice you were to that little kid. I feel so proud when you do that.”

Done well, appropriate praise can not only help a child’s self-esteem, but also help your relationship with him.

APPEARANCE

Another way that kids can feel good about themselves depends on how they look, or at least how they think they look. I found it was helpful to go to their school occasionally and see how the other kids were dressed. It can be enlightening and comforting to see all the boys slouch around with their shirts out, or all the girls’ hair looking like birds’ nests. My feeling is your child should fit in as much as possible among their peers. One caveat is modesty and safety-- if the order of the day is a sheer blouse with no bra, forget it.

Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg to dress them well either. I read about  one family making $150,000 a year that had to “scrimp and save to outfit their kids for school.” Phooey! You don’t have to dress them that well, and if you feel like you do, maybe they should go to a different school. Besides, if you succumb to such pressure, what values are you teaching them anyway?

I’ve been surprised how very young children can be so opinionated about what they wear. I know several toddlers whose mothers won’t buy anything unless it’s kid-approved because that tiny little person absolutely will not wear it unless they like it. You mothers know who they are, and all I can say is Good Luck. Maybe when they go to school their peers will let them know whether an outfit is acceptable or not.

Another aspect of appearance is cleanliness. It’s amazing how much difference it makes to the presentation not only of clothes but also to the wearer. Some kids, mostly girls, are naturally clean and will pretty much take care of themselves. Others, (I don’t want to seem sexist here, but frankly it’s mostly boys) need lots of help keeping clean.

Parents can start when they are babies to get them into the habit of a daily bath. I have to admit I was not very good at this. When I had six kids under eight, I only bathed the dirtiest ones every day, and the whole bunch only on Saturday nights. Fortunately as they got older they were able to take care of their own personal hygiene and then they did much better.

Hairstyles are a surprisingly large area of contention between parents and children--again, even the young ones. Both of you may have strong feelings about hair and those feelings may not coincide. It might be helpful to see how all the other kids look and try to fit your idea into their idea of what’s cool in some kind of compromise. Some people spend all their energy into how their kids’ hair will look and then their parental credibility is shot for more important issues. My personal feeling is that hair is some of the “small stuff” as in “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Let them be embarrassed years from now by their class pictures, knowing it was their own fault and not yours.

Judy - Self-esteem Part 2: Attention and Touch #24

ATTENTION

One evening when I was a teenager my mother was fixing dinner, and my three-year-old brother wanted to tell her something. She kept murmuring, “Mmmm-hmmm,” while obviously concentrating on her cooking. Finally, he pulled on her apron and said, “No, Mama. Listen with your eyes.” In other words, pay attention to me. Let me know I’m important enough for you to attend just to me.

When you can manage this, children get the message that they are of worth. Sometimes, of course, this is hard to do, especially when they talk at you constantly. And, frankly, most of what they say can be boring. Just do the best you can most of the time. I once read something that made a lot of sense: “Sometimes kids need a good listening to rather than a good talking to.”

Paying attention, however, means you should do more than listen to them when they talk. It also means notice them, look at them, study them, delight in their sweet faces, enjoy their gap-toothed smiles, appreciate their sturdy little bodies and their delicious little-kid smell.

This need to pay close attention holds true for all the stages of childhood. Sometimes it seems like people stop parenting when their child becomes a teenager. Just because you no longer need to monitor every oral and anal process, don’t abdicate your role altogether. The fact is, adolescence is a vulnerable age when they need you to attend to them more than ever.

Are you aware of what is happening in their lives? Do you know what classes they’re taking and how they’re doing in school? Who are their teachers and what are their favorite subjects? Do they have friends--this is a big one--and who are they? Can you tell if they’re being bullied, because they might not tell you. What are their strengths and what do they feel are their inadequacies?

I recently heard that there are classes that teach parents what to look for if their child is using drugs. What does this say about how much we are paying attention to our kids? I may be naive, but It seems to me that if parents spend a lot of time with their children, they will naturally pick up signs of unhappiness and possible drug use.

TOUCH

When my first four children were little, a new neighbor came to visit. We sat in the living room and talked while our kids tumbled around us. When she rose to leave, she commented, “You are the kissingest mother I’ve ever seen. When any of your kids come within arm’s distance, they get grabbed and kissed.” She was right. I felt like it was one of the privileges of parenthood.

Some people might not be comfortable with this degree of physical affection, but lightly laying a hand on a child’s shoulder while talking to him, or gently straightening his hair when he is close by will go a long way. And again, physical contact should not end when that child becomes a teenager. Touching, along with attention, also gives the message: I love you; you are important to me.

Studies have shown that children need touch like they need food to survive. We’ve all heard stories about babies in orphanages who actually died because of the lack of touch. On the other hand, babies in Africa thrive who are slung on the mother’s back all day and sleep next to her at night. I believe that not only do babies need the touch of their mother, but mothers also need the touch of their babies. One doctor said the gestation period for human babies was in fact close to eighteen months: nine months inside the mother’s womb and nine months outside, but still needing to be closely attached--sort of like the kangaroo.

As children grow, their constant need for touch may subside a little, but it never goes away. We are a sociable species who need contact, including physical contact, with others. There is even a malady called “skin hunger” which often afflicts older people who have no one to touch any more. (I realize that young mothers who have children constantly hanging on them might find this hard to believe.) The gentle touch of a mother or father speaks volumes to a child about how they feel about her whether she is two or twenty. As a daughter, and also as a mother and a mother-in-law, I still need to give and receive these tender contacts. As the saying goes, everyone needs a hug occasionally.

Judy - A Little Self-Esteem Goes a Long Way, Part 1 #23

The next few blogs are going to be about ways to increase a child’s self esteem. This first one will be more general and the following ones will be more specific.

One way to keep the fighting under control in a family is to build up each child’s self-esteem and feelings of worth.

But be warned, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. The wrong way builds a sense of entitlement and arrogance. In my opinion this is done by never setting boundaries and giving in to everything they ask for. A wise woman once said, “Parents who can’t bear to hear their children cry are going to have hard children.” I recently saw a very sad case of this happening and it was not a pretty sight. In fact, people called those two kids “absolute monsters” and nobody wanted to be around them.

However, I’ll mostly talk about the right way. The better children feel about themselves, the easier it is to defuse the hostility that arises between them. When children appreciate their own abilities, they can use that strength to help other family members, as I’ve mentioned before.

First and foremost, they have to know their parents love them absolutely. I once read an interview with the actor, Will Smith, in Newsweek. He said, “There’s a certain level of confidence that comes from knowing for a fact that someone loves you. It’s not based on whether or not I break a window; it’s not based on whether or not my homework’s done. Just because I’m me, these people love me. So it’s like, I know I’m good. How can I let the world know?”

I believe all parents, if asked what they want for their children, would say they want them to be happy above all else. A high self-esteem is a good way to achieve that. In fact, it can also avoid all sorts of problems later. A child who feels good about himself likes himself, is comfortable in his own skin, and therefore others like to be around him. The end result is he has lots of friends his own age and a better relationship with adults. He doesn’t have to resort to obnoxious behavior to get attention. The first, most overall important ingredient is that someone, usually a parent, is head over heels in love with him. A child psychiatrist once said that the most important aspect of teaching children anything is that “somebody has to be crazy about that kid!”

The fighter, George Foreman, says that he was able to make something of himself when everybody else gave up on him and told him he wouldn’t amount to anything because his mother always believed in him.

In a family with more than one child, it’s especially important to convey respect, even awe, for each child’s individuality. In our house when we were expecting a new baby, we didn’t say, “What is it--a boy or a girl?” We asked instead, “Who is it? Who is coming this time?”

Most parents do love their children more than words can express, but problems arise when this message doesn’t get through. I once saw an Oprah show on parenting that gave some excellent suggestions for ways that parents could let their offspring know they’re loved. One mother said her young daughter was fearful about the first few days of school. So the mother sprayed a little of her own perfume on the girl’s wrist and said, “Whenever you feel worried, sniff right here and you’ll know I’m close by and thinking of you.”

A single mother of two boys said for the past several years she had put small notes in the boys’ lunch bags. Since they never mentioned the notes, the mother wasn’t sure what they thought of them, but she continued doing it anyway. Finally, one day in her older son’s room she found a box with all her notes from the beginning. Her second son then showed her where he’d kept all his notes--in a laundry basket in the back of his closet.

These mothers were creative in getting the message across.

A few ways I’ve found to communicate this love concretely is to 1)pay close attention when your child talks to you, 2)touch them whenever possible, 3)praise them often and correctly, 4)help them successfully accomplish chores and tasks, 5)let them know they are part of something larger than themselves (namely the family), and 5)monitor your TRC (Trust, Respect and Confidence) bank with them.

The next few blogs will address each of these subjects individually.

Judy - "Fair" is NOT the same as "Equal" #22

Parents will tell you that each of their children has a definite and unique personality from birth. Therefore it is unreasonable and ineffective to try to treat them all the same. It also happens to be impossible. It makes more sense to treat each one as an individual rather than as an equal part of a group.

A friend once came to me and said, “I have a problem I wonder if you can help me with. My younger son (4) has some physical problems and takes a lot of time and attention. His older brother (12) resents this and does all sorts of things to get my attention, especially tormenting his brother. What can I do?”

“Maybe you should try to spend some time with your older son, one on one, and don’t even mention the younger one,” I said. “Tell your son how important he is to you and how special he is because he’s the oldest. Tell him something specific about himself that you especially appreciate. In other words, let him know how he’s unique and valued, and how much you love his uniqueness.”

Later, when I was telling my family about this conversation, my own teenage son said, “Way to go, Mom! That’s right on.” I felt I’d received the stamp of approval on that one.

When children know they’re loved for themselves, they are then free to care about their siblings instead of competing with them for their parents’ love and attention. Then wonderful things can happen.

One Christmas Aaron was 15 and longed for a silver trumpet. He loved playing the trumpet but was not improving as much as he wanted to. With a silver trumpet, he felt his music would greatly improve. The cost of such an item would total what we spent on our whole Christmas, and Aaron resigned  himself to waiting a couple years before he could save enough from his paper route to buy it himself.

But Lloyd and I wanted to give him that trumpet as much as he wanted to receive it. So, after discussing it with the rest of the family, we decided to take out a loan and buy it for him. When we brought it home, we showed it to his sisters. Emily (14) was so excited she couldn’t keep still and had to clamp her hand over her mouth to keep from squealing. As a fellow musician and closest in age to Aaron, she appreciated perhaps more than anyone else what that gift would mean to her brother.

On Christmas morning, when he saw the trumpet, Aaron’s eyes opened wide and he whispered, “Oh my...” His hands shook as he took it out of the dark brown velvet-lined case. When Emily leaned over to take a look, she put her hand on his back and could feel his heart pounding. Emily’s gift was a simple pair of earrings, but she says it was one of the best Christmases she ever had, and so do her sisters. If we had tried to give equal gifts, nobody would have experienced the same joy they all did that morning.

Children want to be loved uniquely, not equally. To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. When your little girl climbs into your lap, looks up at you with her big eyes and asks, “Who do you love best?” our knee-jerk reaction is, “I love you all the same.” That is not the answer she’s looking for, however. She’s really asking, “Tell me how much you love me.” A better response would be, “You know I love all of you, but there is nobody else like you. Nobody hugs me like you do, or draws me such pretty pictures, or helps me set the table like you do.” This response is answering her unspoken need and is much more satisfying.

Misguided attempts at equality can backfire. Jennifer had a friend, Beth, who received a beautiful dictionary for her 18th birthday (obviously this was before the days of cell phones). I don’t think my kids would have been thrilled with a dictionary, but Beth was very pleased and looked forward to taking it to college with her. A couple of months later, Beth’s parents gave her brother (16) the same dictionary for his birthday. Beth told Jennifer she felt like she hadn’t received a special gift at all, and that her parents thought her 18th birthday was no big deal. Jennifer told me about Beth, then said, “Stupid parents! Can’t they see what they’re doing?”

It may not be reasonable to treat kids equally, but it is important to treat them fairly, which is not the same thing at all. I know a couple who have a daughter, Katy, who loves ice skating and is very good at it. They buy her special skates and costumes and drive her all over the state so she can compete. When their other daughter, Lori, who is interested in computers, asks for money for software, the answer is always, “We can’t afford it right now.” The implication, of course, is that Katy’s interests, and therefore Katy herself, are more important than Lori. How is that going to affect the sisters’ relationship?

At sixteen, Kristen was having a terrible time in school. I knew something had to change. I was even considering home-schooling her. At a family reunion that summer, I talked to my brother Ron about it. He suggested she could come spend the year with his family in Wyoming. Kristen jumped at the chance.

As hard as it was to let her go, she spent her junior year of high school with them in Cheyenne, and for the first time in years, she enjoyed school. She went through some homesickness, and a few clashes with a different family style, but overall it was a good experience for her. When she returned home for her senior year, school was no longer such a nightmare.

This turned out to be the best solution for Kristen’s problem, though it might not have worked for any of the other kids. They weren’t jealous of her adventure because they all felt just as important and knew their special needs would also be considered as carefully as hers were.

The benefits of a good sibling relationship can have a lasting effect (so can a bad one, but we won’t go there). My sister and two brothers and I are still great friends, even though we live all over the country and seldom see each other. I wanted the same for my children. I had hopes when I heard Josh say, “I figured out that everything I know, Jennifer taught me.” One day the mother of one of Josh’s friends heard him say to her son who was acting up, “What you need are some sisters. They’d keep you straight.”

One of the most gratifying things a parent can see is their children as friends.

When Ellen was a junior in high school and Ben was a freshman, they often ran together to practice for the cross country team. I asked Ellen if Ben held her back since she was in varsity and he was JV. She said, “Maybe a little. But frankly, Mom, whenever you do something with Ben, it’s more fun.” When Emily was married and had one little boy, her siblings knew she had no decent pots and pans although she loved to cook. All the kids with jobs pitched in and bought her a beautiful cookware set. As thrilled and touched as Emily was with the surprise gift coming out of the blue, the others were even more excited to be able to do that for her.

Jennifer once said when I commented how happy I was that they were all such good friends, “Don’t you remember, Mom? You wouldn’t let us be anything else.” We always felt a great affinity for the family in the book Cheaper by the Dozen. The authors, Frank B. Gilbreth and his sister, Ernestine Gilbreth Carey, dedicated it “To Dad, who only reared twelve children, and to Mother, who reared twelve only children.” Perhaps the secret of the harmony in our home was revealed when Jennifer said to me, “Each one of us believes in our heart that secretly we are your favorite.” And they’re all right.