Cruisin' The Ports - Judy

After a day and a half at sea, our first stop was Cabo San Lucas. We took a walking tour of the city and it was SO HOT!!! AND HUMID!!! But our cute little tour guide gave us popsicles at one point and this picture is where we stopped to have drinks, chips and salsa. You can tell we look a little ragged. One interesting thing the guide told us was that 50% of the town's population was American. She said, "You are all down here and we are all up there."

In Mazatlan the next day we smartened up and took a bus tour of the city. Evidently Mazatlan is the shrimp capital of the world and it was shrimp season. Here is our driver showing us some humongous shrimp from a market.

Our last stop was this theater where they presented a folklorico show--several different Mexican dances with different costumes and all. We had soft drinks and chips and salsa again while we watched a really fun show.

The next day we were in Puerta Vallarta. We liked this place best. It seemed like the prettiest town and also we did the most fun thing there. This picture in on the catamaran we took out to go snorkeling and this guy was pure entertainment the whole trip.

This is the cove where we went snorkeling. It was so much fun! And there were amazing fish to see and the water was fairly warm and comfortable. It was great. Afterwards they had lunch on the catamaran while we went to a small, hidden-away beach.

This is approaching the beach where you can see the jungle right behind it.
And here we are, like something out of a TV commercial on a beautiful beach. I was wearing my Morro Bay T-shirt and two couples on the catamaran (not even the big ship) told me they were from Morro Bay! What are the odds?

Finally, this is Lloyd on the balcony of our stateroom while we were still in Puerta Vallarta. We spent the next two day at sea and like I said yesterday, that was fun too.

I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! (I wonder if we ever will...)

Cruisin' / Judy

I would have written about the cruise last week, but as usual, I lost my pictures somewhere in the computer and couldn't find them. I got some help so I'll try to post them now. Some of these aren't my personal photos, but are from the cruise line's web page. I wanted to use them though, because they give a much better view of the ship than I could myself. This first one is the promenade with a bunch of shops.

Every night our room attendant made these cute towel animals.This is the three-deck dining room.This is the amazing carvings of fruits at the entrance to the buffet.

Today I'll talk specifically about the ship and tomorrow about our ports of call. We went on the Royal Caribbean line and the ship was the Mariner of the Seas. It was like a big floating apartment building. We heard it was 50% bigger than the Titanic and carried 3200 passengers and 1200 crew members. Our stateroom was on Deck 6, toward the front of the ship.

We boarded about noon on Sunday and immediately went to the buffet for lunch. Then we were able to go to our rooms after 1:00 and we both took naps; we'd been up since 4:30 that morning so we could catch our shuttle. Our dining time was 6:00, which I thought was a very reasonable time for dinner. We ate at the same table with the same people every night, but for breakfast and lunch the table and people were all different. The dinner menu had six appetizers and six entrees, then the dessert menu also had six desserts. After the second day we learned we didn't have to choose; we could have as many as we wanted of everything. It was great! Then of course the buffet went on pretty much all day and in addition, there was a cafe on the promenade that was open 24 hours and served pizza, sandwiches, pastries, cookies, and milk, tea, coffee and hot chocolate. Now after all this "free" food available, it was interesting that when I came home I'd actually lost half a pound! Yay overactive thyroid! (Lloyd was not so lucky, but he doesn't want me to say how he did.

Some of the facilities and activities on the ship were amazing. There was a climbing wall, a basketball court, a miniature golf course, at least two swimming pools and two hot tubs, a casino, an ice skating rink, a library, a promenade with several shops, and a bunch of stuff for kids like an arcade. There were planned activities going on all day but most of the activities we didn't participate in, like the men's sexy leg contest and the belly flop contest. We still managed to enjoy ourselves. For one thing, our room had a balcony and we spent some time out there reading (we did like the library).

Every night there was a live show in the big theater and we went to all of them. (There was also a movie theater, but we never liked what was playing.) The shows were like vaudeville revues with singing and dancing, and then there were comedians, jugglers, a motown group, and an impressionist. Great fun! One night we saw an ice-capade show at the ice rink that was AMAZING! Especially when you figure that the ship/floor was moving and not stationary. Also, there were smaller venues, like bars, that had some good music too and we enjoyed them also.

Coming back was when we had some rougher seas, but the ship was so big it wasn't too noticeable most of the time. You could tell you were on something moving though and not on land. One afternoon the ship was swaying so much that the water in the swimming pools was really sloshing over the sides in waves. They said they had to keep filling the pools because the water kept sloshing out.

During the show on the last night, the cruise director told us about some of the odd questions he'd been asked by passengers. Here is a partial list of them with some of his answers in parentheses:

1. Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?

(This is not the starship Enterprise; our elevators only travel up and down.)

2. At what elevation are we traveling?

(Think about that one for a minute.)

3. Does the ship produce its own electricity?

(Actually we run a line that's plugged into the port in L.A...)

4. Does the crew sleep on board?

5. Is the water in the toilet fresh or salt?

(What does it matter?)

6. What do you do with ice sculptures after they melt?

7. How small does my face have to be for the mini facial?

Can you tell we had a WONDERFUL time? I don't know if this was a once in a lifetime experience or not, but I sure would like to do it again.

Tomorrow, I'll tell about the ports we visited and the excursions we went on.

Hope: Optimism vs. Pessimism / Lloyd

Today Dan Brown’s newest novel, The Lost Symbol comes out. Sunday’s Parade magazine quoted him:

"The power that religion has is that you think nothing is random: If there’s a tragedy in my life, that’s God testing me or sending me a message. That’s what conspiracy theorists do. They say, “The economy’s terrible? Oh, that’s not random. That’s a bunch of rich guys in Prague who sat down and…”

Sunday’s homily in our service by Ty Mackey on Hope: optimism vs. pessimism nicely puts Brown’s comments in perspective.

the struggle to understand hope

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to share some thoughts with you regarding hope. Perhaps some of you can relate to my struggles regarding this gospel concept. Much of my life I perceived hope as “wishful thinking”—the equivalent of keeping your fingers crossed. After all, we often use the work “hope” to say things like, “I hope it doesn’t rain today.” I hope . . .” Consequently, I didn’t understand why hope was as important as the scriptures say it is or, for that matter, how to cultivate hope.

learned optimism — 

lessons from positive psychology

Recently I came across a body of research on optimism in the field of psychology often referred to as positive psychology. Much of this research has been summarized in a book called Learned Optimism [by Mark Seligman]. I would like to give you a short summary of that book and then relate it to what we know about hope from the scriptures.

Researchers in the field of positive psychology have found three important differences between individuals who are “optimists” and those that are “pessimistic.” These differences are rooted in the explanatory styles of these individuals—in other words, how people explain the successes and failures that they encounter in life.

pessimists tend to attribute failure and bad events to permanent, personal, and pervasive factors. For example, let’s say that a student does poorly on a math test in school.

● A pessimistic explanatory style might attribute this failure to permanent factors—things that will be with you throughout your life. Maybe the student would say, “I will never pass this class no matter how much I study,” “I will never learn this subject,” “I will never get good grades.”

● The pessimistic explanatory style might also attribute this failure to personal factors—things that relate to us as individuals. Maybe the student would say, “I will never pass this class no matter how much I study,” “I am not good at math.”

● Lastly, the pessimistic explanatory style might attribute this failure to pervasive factors—things that affect our abilities in other parts of our lives: “I am not good in school,” “I won’t be able to get a job after I graduate,” “I won’t be able to provide for a family”

optimists, on the other hand, tend to attribute bad events to non-permanent, non-personal, and non-pervasive factors. So their explanations for the failure might sound more like this:

● The failure is just temporary: “I just didn’t study enough this time; I will do better on the final exam.” “I didn’t feel well today, so I couldn’t concentrate.”  

● The failure is not personal: “The teacher didn’t prepare us well.”

● The failure is not pervasive: “This test was a timed-test. I am really good at tests when I have enough time. That’s why this one didn’t go well. I just didn’t have enough time.”

The research tells us that it doesn’t matter if the pessimistic explanatory style is actually more realistic than the optimistic explanatory style because the pessimistic style—again, even if more grounded in reality, can create what the researchers call a state of “learned helplessness.”

This occurs when an individual believes his failures are permanent, pervasive, and personal, and decides that nothing he does matters. As a result, he simply gives up. It should not be surprising that further research has found that learned helplessness, the belief that your actions will be futile, is a major cause of depression.

the infinite power of hope

As I read about research behind pessimism, optimism, learned hopelessness, and depression, I began to better understand what the scriptures and the prophets have for centuries said about the concept of hope. Hope, the neglected step-sibling of faith and charity, is the opposite of “learned helplessness” or despair. Hope is the belief that your actions actually matter.

Last October in General Conference President Uchtdorf spoke on the “Infinite Power of Hope.” He said:

“[Hope] is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, and patient perseverance.”

Ours is a gospel of action, and hope is the driving force behind action.

faith to hope

President Uchtdorf also said,

“Faith, hope, and charity complement each other, and as one increases, the others grow as well. Hope comes of faith, for without faith, there is no hope. In like manner faith comes of hope, for faith is ‘the substance of things hoped for.’”

Faith is the belief in what God will do—that he will do what is in your best interests. Hope is belief that your actions matter. Faith leads to hope. Faith in God, a knowledge of His love for us, enables us to believe that our actions matter, because He supports our righteous actions. Hope is necessary for charity. We will not take actions to serve our fellow man if we do not believe our actions matter.

returning to learned optimism

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, much is expected of us. We frequently fail to live up to what we want to be. If we attribute our failures to factors that are permanent and pervasive, dwelling on small shortcomings can translate into a paralyzing despair of learned helplessness. President Uchtdorf said,

“Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.”

how to build optimism/hope

For those who struggle with depression from learned helplessness, the research shows two strategies that are effective. The first is to distract oneself from the pessimistic thoughts that lead to despair.

The second is to actively dispute those thoughts, to find contrary evidence to refute pessimistic thinking. This contrary evidence needs to be based in reality. Daily self-affirmations (e.g., I’m good enough, I’m smart enough…) that are not backed up by evidence are not effective. Studies show that disputing negative beliefs is just as effective as antidepressants in combating depression in mild and moderate cases.

The gospel gives us the best evidence for disputing negative thoughts. Earlier, when I asked the question of whether the optimistic or pessimistic explanatory style is more accurate, I said that the research tells us that it doesn’t matter which is more accurate, because an optimistic style will make us happier.

But the gospel gives us a better answer: the pessimistic style is never accurate. A belief that our failures are the result of permanent and pervasive flaws in our character is not consistent with revealed truth. The Atonement of Jesus Christ gives us hope that our character can improve, and that our efforts to better ourselves and serve others do matter. President Uchtdorf continues,

“Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.”

I testify that hope in Jesus Christ is the antidote to despair…

Shall I call in sick and stay home? / Lloyd

[Note: a previous posting, “Do I go to work, or not?” was erroneously erased. This is a second, expanded attempt to share that story.]

He brought down both fists on the table and shouted, “Why are you here? Get away from me. I want to kill myself and I want to kill you!” The first moments with Mr. Lopez (name changed) weren’t great, and he was very convincing, but then again he hadn’t immediately hit me.

Just moments before, we had been frantically scratching out the last of 32 shift notes on our patients and extensive behavior summaries for the 11 highest acuities—Lopez was one of those. The night shift soon would be in and expected everything tidied up and us out the door after a quick shift change. I serve as shift lead on a maximum security, hospital intake unit for psychiatric referrals from the state’s prisons.

There had been loud pounding outside the secured nursing station and in popped a head announcing, “Lopez is at it again—better get out here.”

A year ago staff would simply have pulled their alarms, and a thundering herd of folks from other units and hospital police would have arrived to take Mr. Lopez down to the floor, or contain him against the wall, and then wrestle him into five-point restraints.

Now, if at all possible, we attempt to walk patients through their rough moments. It takes longer and appears riskier for staff; but whenever we take away a patient’s agency, his fragile sense of personal control, he regresses for days--sometimes for weeks, the unit's therapeutic milieu is shattered, and general safety of both patients and staff is jeopardized.

As a volunteer facilitator for AVP (The Alternatives to Violence Project) in Maryland and California state prisons, I have taught non-violent resolution of conflict to inmates. And the principles are applicable when working with psychiatric patients. Essentially, avoid responding to violence with violence; work with people to help them deescalate themselves and ratchet down their acute behaviors—help them to reestablish personal control.

Mr. Lopez did more pounding and yelling and jumped up and turned off the TV for everyone watching in the dayroom. Normally, that would have caused a firestorm of protest, but all the patients were measuring how we would handle things, waiting to see if we were more than just talk, but could walk the walk. Eventually, Mr. Lopez said he would be able to get control of himself without staff intervention, and he stalked off to his room.

We returned to our notes and shift cleanup, and a few minutes later Mr. Lopez knocked at the office door wanting to talk. He said, “Someone’s going to kill my son—I just know it.” Like many patients, Mr Lopez responds to intense internal stimuli (voices, which are never kind). And he recounted his night terrors—horrible images and imaginations. He agreed to take a PRN medication for his agitation and anxiety and hopefully for sleep, and we agreed to always be there to walk with him through these terrors, that he needn’t do it alone. He and I shook hands.

The previous week an out-of-control patient assaulted staff on our unit. Two were sent home hurt, and the patient was placed in restraints. He had been dangerous to both staff and patients, and his time overnight in restraints with emergency medications gave him time to sleep and reset. Many of his peers expressed relief.

Many mornings, when I’m at home safe with Judy and away from the danger and frequent surges of adrenalin at work, I question whether to call in sick and just stay home. But I can’t do that everyday.

Besides, I have a mandate from Heavenly Father to provide for my family and to serve. This hospital is my venue for both service and to earn a living. I was prompted to take psychiatric technician training and apply for my current position, and I received a blessing that I would be kept safe from serious harm. Every night that I return safely to Judy confirms that promise, but there are moments.

Ben's Letters Home / Lloyd

Ben has finished up at the Pacific Conservatory of Performing Arts (PCPA) and this summer we enjoyed watching him as a “paid” actor in PCPA/Theaterfest productions of Les Misérables and the Music Man.

He was accepted into the theater program at Cal Berkley as a junior, and last Monday with the help of Ellen and Jason he moved into his new apartment. When I called Ben that night he was sitting on his apartment floor putting together the new furniture and wondering about classes.

The department told him to “come as you are, we’ll figure out classes when you arrive.” That’s because he had to audition for placement—everything in the performing arts is on demonstrated merit. No pressure! But PCPA gave him great preparation.

Judy’s home from Utah and has been on the phone daily with Ben working out all kinds of details and getting reports. I’ve felt restless for new adventure. Always happens when my kids leave for missions or start a new chapter in their lives.

Ben’s first play involvement may be an experimental musical, Dead Boys, a collaborative production between director/choreographer Joe Goode and composer Holcombe Waller. Ben says in one of his Facebook postings, “I don't think we're in Music Man country anymore, Toto.” Judging from the things I’ve seen on the internet by Goode and Waller, he’s correct. I have to say that after reading their bios, his parents are both excited and apprehensive about what Ben’s getting into.

Driving to see Ben perform at Berkley will be more of an adventure than going to Santa Maria or Solvang. Interesting, even after they’ve left home, new chapters and experiences in our children’s lives, both happy and sad, so intimately include us.

I would call the following, “Letters Home,” except they’re not letters but Facebook postings, and they weren’t sent specifically to us, his parents, but put out for all his Facebook friends. Though fairly public, we’re glad to get them. Many of Judy’s phone calls were to fill in the details. Thank you, Facebook.

Ben Abbott 's heart is full and bursting with goodbyes. Farewell friends, colleagues, mentors, and even places. Now five hours of sleep and throwing myself forward i.e.: moving to Berkeley. August 24 at 2:14am

Ben Abbott is all moved into Berkeley. Now he just needs to figure out all this school stuff before it starts tomorrow. August 25 at 10:35am

Ben Abbott just got handed a communist newspaper. Ah Berkeley. August 26 at 10:57am

Great Comment You might read it so you'll know what kind of answers your teachers wil be looking for. Sometimes it works... August 26 at 12:23pm

Ben Abbott had to audition to get into modern dance and he got in! I enjoyded a dance audition for once rather than feeling like I was drowning. Thank you PCPA! Couldn't have done it without you August 26 at 6:34pm

Ben Abbott auditioned and got into Advanced Acting. Yay! I love it at an audition when they say, "that was great. Do you happen to have any Shakespeare?" Thu at 6:56pm

Ben Abbott It's especially cool when you can say, "sure, how about some Coriolanus?" Thank you Patricia Troxel. Fri at 1:05am

Ben Abbott Is off to audition for "Dead Boys. a premiere freak folk musical by Joe Goode and composed by Holcombe Waller." I don't think we're in Music Man country anymore, Toto. Fri at 7:48pm

Ben Abbott got a callback! woot! Sat at 1:08am

Ben Abbott It's called Dead Boys. It's billed as a premiere freaky folk musical. It's a new play, so I auditioned for the writer/director and the composer. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Sat at 1:20am

Ben Abbott I guess I had a good callback. I was called at 1:30 and he kept me there reading and singing until 5:45. Yesterday at 12:44am

Ben Abbott oh sunday afternoon naps, how I've missed you. Yesterday at 4:30pm

Ben Abbott ok, so wait...I get both Saturday and Sunday off...but I have to go to school on Monday?? Is that how this works? 4 hours ago

To keep current on Ben's school days and career just ask him to be a friend on Facebook. Tell him that his dad referred you.

My time in Utah

Last Monday I was with the Smalleys as they buried their little stillborn son, Joseph James, in the Kaysville Cemetery. When this first happened, the doctor told them they could bury him, or the hospital would take care of it for them; it was up to them. They really didn't know what to do, but in the blessing Emily received the night before she went in to deliver, she was told she would know clearly what was the best thing to do.

We went in to the hospital at 7:30 on Thursday, Aug. 21, and we were there all day as she labored, just like with all her other babies--IV in the hand and all. About noon the pain was getting very bad and she had to have an epidural. She was ready to deliver about 5:00 pm and had to push half a dozen times until the baby was born--unlike her other deliveries, it was a silent delivery room. It was some time during that awful day when it did become very clear that this too was one of her children and she needed to respect his little body and actually treat him as a full member of their family. And she knew they needed to bury him themselves and not just let the hospital "take care of it."Here is the tiny casket in the part of the cemetery for babies.When Troy called the mortuary, they said they would discount all their fees, including this little casket and they didn't charge them anything (although we saw a bill that had the usual fees of $4200 taken off).

Besides me and the Smalleys, also Joy and Don and their family came and Aaron and Marrisse and their family and Marrisse's mother and Troy's sister-in-law, Tifffany. We sang, "Families Can Be Together Forever," and Joy gave the opening prayer. Then Emily spoke and told why they decided to have this service and read this quote from Joseph Smith:

(At the funeral of 2-year-old Marian Lyon) "...in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the uncertainty of human life, and asked the question, why is it that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us? The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it...grows more wicked and corrupt...The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again...

"The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.

"A question may be asked--Will mothers have their children in eternity? Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid."

After this quote, Emily showed the remembrance box that the ladies of SHARE brought to her in the hospital. This was a group of two women who had also lost babies during pregnancy and a female professional photographer that came and dressed the baby and took pictures and made up this box for her.

Inside are the receiving blanket he was wrapped in right after birth; the name card they usually put into the bassinet telling his weight (7 oz.), his length (6 1/2 inches), and his name, etc.; a hat they put on him (but was too big so they had to put on a littler one), a tiny teddy bear they wrapped up with him, a ring symbolizing eternity, and a pin showing the size of a tiny baby's feet.Here is the outside of the box. It looks like homemade paper and was very pretty.

After Emily's talk, we sang the first and fourth verses of "O My Father," then Troy dedicated the grave. We ended with "I Am a Child of God," and a closing prayer by Marrisse.

The next two pictures show the balloon launch. Emily gave all the children there (14 of them) a helium balloon and told them to fill it with their love and happy thoughts and let it go to send them all up to their brother and cousin, Joseph.

This is Andrew after the service, carrying the tiny casket back to the car that would take it to the funeral home overnight then bring it back for burial the next day.Afterwards, we all went back to the Smalley's house where the Relief Society had prepared this amazing dinner for us. Emily said, talk about feeling loved. She said she felt very good and glad they had this service; that it really seemed the right thing to do. It allowed the kids to participate and everybody to experience closure. It was a good thing she felt that way because that was also the day her milk came in and she's having to deal with that for the next few days.

As for me, I was SO grateful I could be there--for me as much as for them. As hard as it all was, the Spirit was very close during much of this time and it was very sweet.

We can get caught up in lots of distractions in this world, but something like this reminds us what is important and what really matters in this life.